Tonight, while driving home from her basketball game, Anna looked out at the first snow of the season and asked me if God brings natural disasters because of our sin. I asked her to explain her question further. She wanted to know if things like blizzards and tornadoes and earthquakes happen because God is punishing us for our sin.
This is not the gospel message I want my daughter to know or believe.
One of the questions that pervades my thoughts most often is one I don't believe will be answered in my lifetime. Why does God allow the horrific? Why was there not another way? I've read the books. I hear what wise authors say. "The hard shows God's glory. The hard causes us to recognize our need for God. God is God and I am not."
If God is God, then couldn't They have found another path for glorifying Themself? If God wants us to need Them, and They are all-powerful and all-knowing, couldn't They have created beings who recognize their need for Them without all the suffering? Is God too small, too powerless to have done it differently?
I don't get it.
And I don't have an answer for that question...
...but I am convinced that all living things on earth have a life cycle - birth, life, death. That cycle always includes the creation of life, the birth, the living, and the dying. In the forest, when lightening strikes the dry brittle branches of a dead tree and ignites a fire, that fire often burns up healthy, living trees and plants as well. It takes the lives of thriving animals and the homes of birds. It also, by the way, kills diseases that, left unchecked, can run rampant wipe out an entire forest. When it burns out, what is left looks like utter destruction, but when the rain comes again, the grass starts to poke up through the ash. Young trees spring up. Animals begin to find lush and fertile fields of grass and foliage to live on. Birds come back to the area and build new nests. The disease is wiped out and the cycle begins again.
I don't know why this is the way of life, but even God modeled it through Jesus Christ. God knew that the eternal answer to death was a dying and rising again. This truth doesn't explain away the horrors that are taking place in our world today. It doesn't mean we shouldn't grieve when life is lost. It doesn't call us to avert our eyes when we witness suffering or abuse for which we have the ability to stop. We aren't called to give up. Even plants and animals have an innate striving for survival. The drive inside of us to avoid pain and death is from God too. Jesus begged his Father to not have to go thru the dying, but he knew the dying was required to get to the living.
In the course of a lifetime, the recognition of and submission to the lessons of the cycle come through experiencing the cycle. We don't get the option of avoiding pain and death. They come for all of us. We can respond by believing we are being punished, or we can look for the wisdom of our Creator. What do They want us to learn? We can respond with fear or lean into Love. Reconciling the truth of something is very different from acknowledging the emotions of each stage of living. Leaning into the lessons does not explain the why of how things play out in each circumstance. We may understand the overall cycle, without understanding the why of the individual cycles that take place in each of our lives. Fear may be the right and unavoidable response in the moment of a terrifying accident or assault, but afterwords, as we process, time allows us to seek Love over fear in how we learn from the story. Seeking love builds the muscles of courage, wisdom, presence and trust.
It is my desire to turn my kids (and myself) back to Love over fear when they ask me questions about the hard. Love grows life and courage and truth in our souls. Fear grows anger, cowardice and a death to freedom. I do not and cannot comprehend the why of so much of what happens in our world, but I know without a doubt that God has met me in the hard and has shown me how to receive Love and how to give it too.
I wonder if my kids will soon be asking me if God has turned Their back on the country we live in. It appears that fear is ruling the day. I easily fall prey to the fear and find myself wallowing in anger and judgement. If I can remember and trust the cycle, can I believe that the fire burning here and now may be purging us of the disease that would ultimately wipe us all out? The fire could even turn back on itself and not harm all that we fear it might. Is the pain right now necessary because it is causing the Love and Truth in our spirits to awaken and fight for the Life we innately long for and were created to experience? As we witness what feels like death to much of what we know, can we use the drive inside of us to fight for the Life that is on the other side? Can we be a shelter for the defenseless and pour out a healing rain on what looks like destruction? Can we look for where new Life is springing up out of the dying and marvel at how God's plan cannot be destroyed by what feels far bigger than we can combat?
I will keep getting distracted by the size and intense heat of the flames, for they are daunting, but I'm committed to not getting stuck there. The fear may well show us real danger that we should avoid, but the light of the flames is also illuminating where the Life is and I am drawn there. Life will win in the end, but dying is still part of the cycle. I may have to die to some of what is comfortable for me as the flames burn some of my temporary hopes into ashes, but there is a richer Life to be found after the destruction and what is burning up will feed the soil of hope and Love.
This answer is far more detailed than Anna was looking for (and I didn't burden her with all of it). To simplify it: Do I think God is punishing us? No. Do I understand then 'why' bad things happen? No. Do I see how Life is born out of death? Yes, I do. I don't get it, and I don't always like it, but I have certainly experienced the richness of being forever changed by seeking the Love after the dying. I have most certainly found Life, and that more abundantly, through the cycles of dying and being reborn each time to a deeper understanding of my Creator's Love.
Showing posts with label God's love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God's love. Show all posts
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Love does not need a Christian government to spread it's gospel message.
I have had a nagging feeling in my gut during the past few months that Christians are somehow missing the mark when fighting to protect their beliefs as rights through our government. I haven't quite been able to put my finger on what it is. I couldn't find clarity on what I was feeling until some things started to become very clear in the divisive talk and actions that flooded the last few weeks of this election.
People interpret scripture differently. I don't think there are two people on the planet who would find they have the exact same views on every verse in the Bible. We are unique and we have our own minds and experiences that shape our perceptions and understanding.
I believe that part of being separated from God is the confusion we experience because we are limited by our humanness from being able to fully experience or understand who God is. We don't like to feel confused. Confusion leads to fear that we're missing something. Fear makes us feel out of control. Too often in the church we decide to make certain unknowns 'known' by defining rules and understanding around things that God never intended us to get so wrapped up in.
I remember visiting my dad's side of the family when I was growing up and sitting with them at the dinner table while the adults would debate the topic of The Tribulation. The Tribulation is an idea that, in the end times, Christians will be heavily persecuted for their faith. Some people believe that God will snatch up all of the current Christians into heaven before The Tribulation begins and that because of that miraculous world event, many people will come to believe in God but will have to go through this horrific time of being abused, discriminated against, having no rights, and even being murdered, before God finally relents and wipes out all evil. Other people believe that Christians will not be rescued from The Tribulation, and still others think that maybe there is an answer somewhere in the middle. Of course, some believers don't believe in the idea of The Tribulation at all.
It was interesting to hear my dad and his siblings debate this topic. Some of them felt very strongly about their opinions and presented them as fact, others talked about teachers of the Bible who present reasons why it is actually wrong to believe anything but the conclusion they had come to. Some of them just weren't sure about the whole thing.
Who was right and who was wrong? Can any one of them prove in the world today what they thought they understood so clearly in the Scriptures? Is there really a black and white answer? Not feeling certain about something can leave us feeling too exposed and vulnerable. Our human tendency is to try to create peace and harmony in our souls by clarifying the unknown so that we don't feel afraid. Sometimes what we define as a 'known' for us, is not a 'known' for others. Sometimes we are taught our parents' 'knowns' and we grow up believing things to be certain having no idea that other people are not so certain. It is a strange thing, as a young adult, to suddenly realize that something you had no question about, is not that easy or clear for someone else.
Throughout history entire denominations and church affiliations have made decisions about what their black and white 'knowns' will be. They write value statements and membership agreements that clearly state what their beliefs are and the expectations they have for all who join their churches to believe in and abide by these 'knowns.' People feel safe when they surround themselves with others who all agree to be about the same things. People feel like the decisions they've made about what they 'know' to be true are validated when they join a church that has the same 'knowns.'
What, at first feels like inclusion and security inside of a group of believers who think like we think, can slowly fade into a club of exclusion, insecurity, and fear. This happens when we start to find more security in knowing that we know something, than the security we should be finding in knowing that all of us are loved by God and that God's truth cannot be undone by others who don't agree with us. When we start holding our beliefs as more sacred and more important than God's love for everyone, we begin to believe that we must make everyone believe and behave like we do. We forget that what was once a decision we made to define something a certain way might actually not be the only right way to define something. We feel threatened, defensive, and fearful when someone disagrees with us because we really liked the feeling we had in our gut that we had something all figured out and we didn't have to wonder about it anymore.
Churches can become places where people begin to police behaviors and beliefs so that the group as a whole conforms to the shared 'knowns' and everyone feels validated that they are doing it right. Church was intended to be a place of love and service and inclusion. It was never intended to be a place of required conformity. When behaviors become valued above all else, those who don't fall in line suddenly find themselves excluded from the group. They find themselves alone, isolated, feeling unloved and unworthy. Worst of all, they find themselves unwelcome in the Church. This is not the example I see from Jesus in the New Testament. I see a man who spent his ministry breaking down the 'knowns' and rebuking those who held the 'knowns' so sacred. I see a man who sought out those who didn't conform to the rules and embracing them and telling them they were loved by Truth Itself. I see a man who gave his life for ALL, including ALL who didn't look like, sound like, dress like, believe like, or worship like he did.
Please don't hear me say that I don't think there aren't any absolutes. I just don't think any of us should get so certain in our thinking that we think we are the ones who've figured out exactly what those absolutes are and everyone else deserves to be marginalized until they fall into line. If you have chosen faith in God stay humble enough to remember that you might not have it all right. You might not truly 'know' all the truths. And even if you do know something that really is true, remember that the highest commandment that God gave was to love God and to love others. Love comes first.
Christians in America have gotten so wrapped up in the sacredness of their 'knowns' that they have come to believe it is their duty to force compliance on everyone through our government. They truly believe that they are doing this for the best and good of all, but because they are making these laws based, ultimately, out of the fear that drove them to the absolutes they have claimed, they fear everyone who doesn't believe or behave the way they do. This fear leads them to know that first, they must be able to protect their rights so they must be free to own the weapons they will need if the majority decides to go against their 'knowns.' Jesus did not model this. He did not assume he needed to be able to defend himself. He also never said we shouldn't own weapons, but when his day came to face those who didn't believe as he did, he did not call for all around him to take up weapons and defend him. He remained humble and calm. He leaned into love and not fear. He sacrificed the desire to force everyone to understand his truth in the moment for the eternal impact he could have by sacrificing himself in Love instead.
Christians have also chosen the 'knowns' that feel the most affirming to their way of life and they band together to make those 'knowns' required for all. They believe that if everyone will just comply because they are forced to, then everyone will be better people. They forget that compliance doesn't create believers. Compliance doesn't offer salvation. And, compliance will never happen across the board. We were created individually and have lived unique experiences because God, in infinite wisdom and creativity, knows that God's glory can only be revealed in the infinite variety of life and love that is displayed throughout the world. And, every single person is imperfect so we will all mess up, choose selfishness, forget to love well and decide to live out of fear rather than love far more often than we should.
When Christians decide to police things they can't ultimately control, and then decide to alienate and shut out those who don't submit to the rules, they create battles that cannot be won. Change that matters does not happen with lots of rules that say 'don't.' Change happens when individuals say 'how can I help?' Outlawing abortion doesn't stop abortions from happening. Finding out why abortions are happening and finding ways to help women so that abortions are not needed stops abortions from happening. Telling people not to have sex before marriage doesn't keep that from happening either. Showing each individual their worth as a whole person who is loved and valued and who is more than their bodies, helps them to make wise decisions about what is best for them instead of making decisions out of desperation for connection that ends up being about nothing more than instant gratification. Assuming that people who worship a faith other than Christianity are evil doesn't make them evil, nor does it make them interested in learning about our faith. Calling someone evil because they don't think they way we do is something evil we do to others.
We discredit our faith when we believe we need to force compliance but teach a message of grace. We make our faith something to be feared and distrusted when we fear and distrust everyone who does not share our faith. We build walls that exclude and are founded in fear when we think that behaviors indicate the conditions of people's hearts and that we are charged with the responsibility to change those behaviors without first caring for those hearts.
Love meets people where they are.
Love listens to people's stories.
Love is curious and asks questions.
Love assumes the best of people and their intentions.
Love looks for common ground.
Love trusts God with outcomes.
Love values people and relationships.
Love seeks to follow Jesus' example.
Love includes everyone.
Love does not seek to defend itself at the cost of others.
Love does not need for everyone to look at behave one certain way.
Love does not need a Christian government to spread it's gospel message.
It takes a lot of selflessness to love well. It takes a different kind of love and energy to decide to seek to bring change through loving people in the mess of relationship over attempting to force their compliance through laws and legalism. Trying to force an entire nation to comply to the 'knowns' of a few (who might not have it all right) does not create unity or love. It does not bring about the desired outcome. In fact, it only serves to create more divisiveness, more fear, more broken relationships. Being a part of the side that perpetuates so much fear and judges so harshly just doesn't sound to me like being a part of the side that Jesus is on.
People interpret scripture differently. I don't think there are two people on the planet who would find they have the exact same views on every verse in the Bible. We are unique and we have our own minds and experiences that shape our perceptions and understanding.
I believe that part of being separated from God is the confusion we experience because we are limited by our humanness from being able to fully experience or understand who God is. We don't like to feel confused. Confusion leads to fear that we're missing something. Fear makes us feel out of control. Too often in the church we decide to make certain unknowns 'known' by defining rules and understanding around things that God never intended us to get so wrapped up in.
I remember visiting my dad's side of the family when I was growing up and sitting with them at the dinner table while the adults would debate the topic of The Tribulation. The Tribulation is an idea that, in the end times, Christians will be heavily persecuted for their faith. Some people believe that God will snatch up all of the current Christians into heaven before The Tribulation begins and that because of that miraculous world event, many people will come to believe in God but will have to go through this horrific time of being abused, discriminated against, having no rights, and even being murdered, before God finally relents and wipes out all evil. Other people believe that Christians will not be rescued from The Tribulation, and still others think that maybe there is an answer somewhere in the middle. Of course, some believers don't believe in the idea of The Tribulation at all.
It was interesting to hear my dad and his siblings debate this topic. Some of them felt very strongly about their opinions and presented them as fact, others talked about teachers of the Bible who present reasons why it is actually wrong to believe anything but the conclusion they had come to. Some of them just weren't sure about the whole thing.
Who was right and who was wrong? Can any one of them prove in the world today what they thought they understood so clearly in the Scriptures? Is there really a black and white answer? Not feeling certain about something can leave us feeling too exposed and vulnerable. Our human tendency is to try to create peace and harmony in our souls by clarifying the unknown so that we don't feel afraid. Sometimes what we define as a 'known' for us, is not a 'known' for others. Sometimes we are taught our parents' 'knowns' and we grow up believing things to be certain having no idea that other people are not so certain. It is a strange thing, as a young adult, to suddenly realize that something you had no question about, is not that easy or clear for someone else.
Throughout history entire denominations and church affiliations have made decisions about what their black and white 'knowns' will be. They write value statements and membership agreements that clearly state what their beliefs are and the expectations they have for all who join their churches to believe in and abide by these 'knowns.' People feel safe when they surround themselves with others who all agree to be about the same things. People feel like the decisions they've made about what they 'know' to be true are validated when they join a church that has the same 'knowns.'
What, at first feels like inclusion and security inside of a group of believers who think like we think, can slowly fade into a club of exclusion, insecurity, and fear. This happens when we start to find more security in knowing that we know something, than the security we should be finding in knowing that all of us are loved by God and that God's truth cannot be undone by others who don't agree with us. When we start holding our beliefs as more sacred and more important than God's love for everyone, we begin to believe that we must make everyone believe and behave like we do. We forget that what was once a decision we made to define something a certain way might actually not be the only right way to define something. We feel threatened, defensive, and fearful when someone disagrees with us because we really liked the feeling we had in our gut that we had something all figured out and we didn't have to wonder about it anymore.
Churches can become places where people begin to police behaviors and beliefs so that the group as a whole conforms to the shared 'knowns' and everyone feels validated that they are doing it right. Church was intended to be a place of love and service and inclusion. It was never intended to be a place of required conformity. When behaviors become valued above all else, those who don't fall in line suddenly find themselves excluded from the group. They find themselves alone, isolated, feeling unloved and unworthy. Worst of all, they find themselves unwelcome in the Church. This is not the example I see from Jesus in the New Testament. I see a man who spent his ministry breaking down the 'knowns' and rebuking those who held the 'knowns' so sacred. I see a man who sought out those who didn't conform to the rules and embracing them and telling them they were loved by Truth Itself. I see a man who gave his life for ALL, including ALL who didn't look like, sound like, dress like, believe like, or worship like he did.
Please don't hear me say that I don't think there aren't any absolutes. I just don't think any of us should get so certain in our thinking that we think we are the ones who've figured out exactly what those absolutes are and everyone else deserves to be marginalized until they fall into line. If you have chosen faith in God stay humble enough to remember that you might not have it all right. You might not truly 'know' all the truths. And even if you do know something that really is true, remember that the highest commandment that God gave was to love God and to love others. Love comes first.
Christians in America have gotten so wrapped up in the sacredness of their 'knowns' that they have come to believe it is their duty to force compliance on everyone through our government. They truly believe that they are doing this for the best and good of all, but because they are making these laws based, ultimately, out of the fear that drove them to the absolutes they have claimed, they fear everyone who doesn't believe or behave the way they do. This fear leads them to know that first, they must be able to protect their rights so they must be free to own the weapons they will need if the majority decides to go against their 'knowns.' Jesus did not model this. He did not assume he needed to be able to defend himself. He also never said we shouldn't own weapons, but when his day came to face those who didn't believe as he did, he did not call for all around him to take up weapons and defend him. He remained humble and calm. He leaned into love and not fear. He sacrificed the desire to force everyone to understand his truth in the moment for the eternal impact he could have by sacrificing himself in Love instead.
Christians have also chosen the 'knowns' that feel the most affirming to their way of life and they band together to make those 'knowns' required for all. They believe that if everyone will just comply because they are forced to, then everyone will be better people. They forget that compliance doesn't create believers. Compliance doesn't offer salvation. And, compliance will never happen across the board. We were created individually and have lived unique experiences because God, in infinite wisdom and creativity, knows that God's glory can only be revealed in the infinite variety of life and love that is displayed throughout the world. And, every single person is imperfect so we will all mess up, choose selfishness, forget to love well and decide to live out of fear rather than love far more often than we should.
When Christians decide to police things they can't ultimately control, and then decide to alienate and shut out those who don't submit to the rules, they create battles that cannot be won. Change that matters does not happen with lots of rules that say 'don't.' Change happens when individuals say 'how can I help?' Outlawing abortion doesn't stop abortions from happening. Finding out why abortions are happening and finding ways to help women so that abortions are not needed stops abortions from happening. Telling people not to have sex before marriage doesn't keep that from happening either. Showing each individual their worth as a whole person who is loved and valued and who is more than their bodies, helps them to make wise decisions about what is best for them instead of making decisions out of desperation for connection that ends up being about nothing more than instant gratification. Assuming that people who worship a faith other than Christianity are evil doesn't make them evil, nor does it make them interested in learning about our faith. Calling someone evil because they don't think they way we do is something evil we do to others.
We discredit our faith when we believe we need to force compliance but teach a message of grace. We make our faith something to be feared and distrusted when we fear and distrust everyone who does not share our faith. We build walls that exclude and are founded in fear when we think that behaviors indicate the conditions of people's hearts and that we are charged with the responsibility to change those behaviors without first caring for those hearts.
Love meets people where they are.
Love listens to people's stories.
Love is curious and asks questions.
Love assumes the best of people and their intentions.
Love looks for common ground.
Love trusts God with outcomes.
Love values people and relationships.
Love seeks to follow Jesus' example.
Love includes everyone.
Love does not seek to defend itself at the cost of others.
Love does not need for everyone to look at behave one certain way.
Love does not need a Christian government to spread it's gospel message.
It takes a lot of selflessness to love well. It takes a different kind of love and energy to decide to seek to bring change through loving people in the mess of relationship over attempting to force their compliance through laws and legalism. Trying to force an entire nation to comply to the 'knowns' of a few (who might not have it all right) does not create unity or love. It does not bring about the desired outcome. In fact, it only serves to create more divisiveness, more fear, more broken relationships. Being a part of the side that perpetuates so much fear and judges so harshly just doesn't sound to me like being a part of the side that Jesus is on.
Monday, October 10, 2011
In Spite of My Arrogance
After several tries with different counselors, I was referred to one early this year that I've been seeing, with Jason, a couple of times a month. When I tell you about our first experience with him, you'll wonder why I ever went back.
During our first appointment, within the first 20 minutes, as I was trying to explain all the things in our lives that weren't working- and all the things I had tried in desperation to fix those things- and all the ways none of those efforts were helping in any way- he looked at me and said, 'Laura, I'm going to say something to you that is not going to be easy to hear, but you need to hear it... you are an incredibly arrogant woman."
What? Who says that to another human being? Well, I guess he does.
My core immediately resonated with what he said. I didn't know, in that moment, exactly what he was referring too- I just knew he was right.
He went on to explain that I had been talking and talking about all the things I was doing to fix our problems. I believed that it was in me to change it all. I just knew that if I found the right book, the right formula, the right counselor- I could fix all of it. I could even make the other broken people in my life better.
I'm a fixer. It's what I do. It's my first desire when I hear a problem. I want to right it. It sounds good in theory. It sounds charitable and generous and wonderful. Except that most problems aren't any of my business. And the problems that are my business, well, I haven't actually been able to fix most of them. And truly, if God is God, than most things should be handed over to him, right? If He is God and I am His dependent, than shouldn't I be looking to Him for all the answers rather than myself? my power? my ability and knowledge?
Several months down the road, at another appointment, I was expressing my continued frustration with one relationship in particular. I have been so angry with this person. I have regularly wished that I could walk away from the relationship- but I've known that that wasn't right. It wasn't an appropriate response. In fact, I knew that if that was the choice I made, I would live in guilt and regret and shame- not in the relief or freedom I was wishing for.
Our counselor asked me to take some time to really examine what my expectations were in the relationship. As I started to list what first came to mind, he shook his head- no. I was talking about how if this person was honest, if she was pleasant to be around, if she wasn't manipulative or selfish or ... if she was just better- than I could like her and the relationship would be great. No, he said, those things were not at the core of my expectations. They were not what was actually making me so angry.
As I thought about it more I realized that it was still my arrogance. I was mad at myself for not fixing our relationship. I was furious that I wasn't being the right person, loving the right way, modeling the right things. Instead of recognizing the grief and pain that are so much a reality in this relationship- I have just wanted to fix it, and when I couldn't, I didn't have it in me to admit defeat- I simply placed the blame on her. Surely, if it was in 'my' power, all would be right with the world.
I'm slowly letting go of the anger and trying to be real with the grief and pain. Its hard work, but right now, in this place, she and I are in a better place then we've ever been. None of the circumstances have changed. She's not doing anything different. I haven't fixed anything. I'm just recognizing truth and letting go of the lies. I believe that it is God who has allowed me to see into the depths of this. I'm so thankful that, in spite of my arrogance, He's gently, and humbly, still drawing me into Him. I won't change her. I won't even change myself. But I think He might- and that is a far more hopeful place to be then I've been in for many years.
During our first appointment, within the first 20 minutes, as I was trying to explain all the things in our lives that weren't working- and all the things I had tried in desperation to fix those things- and all the ways none of those efforts were helping in any way- he looked at me and said, 'Laura, I'm going to say something to you that is not going to be easy to hear, but you need to hear it... you are an incredibly arrogant woman."
What? Who says that to another human being? Well, I guess he does.
My core immediately resonated with what he said. I didn't know, in that moment, exactly what he was referring too- I just knew he was right.
He went on to explain that I had been talking and talking about all the things I was doing to fix our problems. I believed that it was in me to change it all. I just knew that if I found the right book, the right formula, the right counselor- I could fix all of it. I could even make the other broken people in my life better.
I'm a fixer. It's what I do. It's my first desire when I hear a problem. I want to right it. It sounds good in theory. It sounds charitable and generous and wonderful. Except that most problems aren't any of my business. And the problems that are my business, well, I haven't actually been able to fix most of them. And truly, if God is God, than most things should be handed over to him, right? If He is God and I am His dependent, than shouldn't I be looking to Him for all the answers rather than myself? my power? my ability and knowledge?
Several months down the road, at another appointment, I was expressing my continued frustration with one relationship in particular. I have been so angry with this person. I have regularly wished that I could walk away from the relationship- but I've known that that wasn't right. It wasn't an appropriate response. In fact, I knew that if that was the choice I made, I would live in guilt and regret and shame- not in the relief or freedom I was wishing for.
Our counselor asked me to take some time to really examine what my expectations were in the relationship. As I started to list what first came to mind, he shook his head- no. I was talking about how if this person was honest, if she was pleasant to be around, if she wasn't manipulative or selfish or ... if she was just better- than I could like her and the relationship would be great. No, he said, those things were not at the core of my expectations. They were not what was actually making me so angry.
As I thought about it more I realized that it was still my arrogance. I was mad at myself for not fixing our relationship. I was furious that I wasn't being the right person, loving the right way, modeling the right things. Instead of recognizing the grief and pain that are so much a reality in this relationship- I have just wanted to fix it, and when I couldn't, I didn't have it in me to admit defeat- I simply placed the blame on her. Surely, if it was in 'my' power, all would be right with the world.
I'm slowly letting go of the anger and trying to be real with the grief and pain. Its hard work, but right now, in this place, she and I are in a better place then we've ever been. None of the circumstances have changed. She's not doing anything different. I haven't fixed anything. I'm just recognizing truth and letting go of the lies. I believe that it is God who has allowed me to see into the depths of this. I'm so thankful that, in spite of my arrogance, He's gently, and humbly, still drawing me into Him. I won't change her. I won't even change myself. But I think He might- and that is a far more hopeful place to be then I've been in for many years.
Monday, October 3, 2011
In Spite of What I Don't Know
If you allow yourself to question one or two verses in the Bible that don't seem to be 'true' in light of your circumstances, odds are that you might start to question some more verses too. And, in spite of yourself, you may eventually find yourself asking the really big question, 'Is the Bible really the Word of God?' Yikes.
It just feels safer to never go there. The world is a lot prettier if it either makes sense or you just don't question it. A lot of Christians prefer to say 'we don't understand it all, but that's just how God designed it.' Well, what if you do start to question? What if, in spite of what you've been taught, you start to wonder? Does that make God mad? Is He offended by that?
I've done more questioning and doubting in the past couple of years than in all the rest of my life combined. And I feel more at ease with God than ever before as well. I haven't been struck by lightening. I haven't been cursed with the plague. I think God might just really love me. I think He likes it when I think and wrestle with hard questions. I think He has encouraged me to use a big shovel to dig down past all the stuff I've been told to believe- to find a treasure chest filled with what He really is. What is most true about Him has been buried in my heart underneath a whole lot of legalism and 'good ideas' and half-truths. And I'm finding that what's most tangible to me is His love. And what He most wants me to be about is His love. And that what I most desire from Him is His love.
I haven't made peace with the Bible yet. I'm not convinced that the earth is new. I think it might be older. I think that God may have created evolution as part of the cycles of this planet- but I don't know for sure. I'm not sure that we've interpreted a good deal of the Bible correctly. And if we haven't, then it's possible a whole heck of a lot of our doctrine is WRONG. I don't know, but maybe we've judged people for their lifestyle choices based on wrong interpretations. It's all a bit of a mess in my head right now. I still read the Bible. I still ask God about it. I still want to know. I'm just not sure I will.
Here's what I feel sure of- I don't have to know. I probably won't know this side of heaven. And if I can't be certain, than I surely shouldn't judge. I am only convinced of God's love for me. For you. That's it. That's all I feel like I know. And so, in light of that, I desperately want you to learn to love me as He does- without judgement. And I desperately want to learn to love you as He does- without judgement.
What if, in spite of what we don't know, we let God show us what He wants us to hold to? For me, right now, all I feel like I have to hold on to is His love and so- that is all I have to give. I still have to shove the debris out of the way a lot. I still get caught up in my old patterns of judging and thinking in black and white. But I feel most at peace when I'm abiding in His love and giving it away.
It just feels safer to never go there. The world is a lot prettier if it either makes sense or you just don't question it. A lot of Christians prefer to say 'we don't understand it all, but that's just how God designed it.' Well, what if you do start to question? What if, in spite of what you've been taught, you start to wonder? Does that make God mad? Is He offended by that?
I've done more questioning and doubting in the past couple of years than in all the rest of my life combined. And I feel more at ease with God than ever before as well. I haven't been struck by lightening. I haven't been cursed with the plague. I think God might just really love me. I think He likes it when I think and wrestle with hard questions. I think He has encouraged me to use a big shovel to dig down past all the stuff I've been told to believe- to find a treasure chest filled with what He really is. What is most true about Him has been buried in my heart underneath a whole lot of legalism and 'good ideas' and half-truths. And I'm finding that what's most tangible to me is His love. And what He most wants me to be about is His love. And that what I most desire from Him is His love.
I haven't made peace with the Bible yet. I'm not convinced that the earth is new. I think it might be older. I think that God may have created evolution as part of the cycles of this planet- but I don't know for sure. I'm not sure that we've interpreted a good deal of the Bible correctly. And if we haven't, then it's possible a whole heck of a lot of our doctrine is WRONG. I don't know, but maybe we've judged people for their lifestyle choices based on wrong interpretations. It's all a bit of a mess in my head right now. I still read the Bible. I still ask God about it. I still want to know. I'm just not sure I will.
Here's what I feel sure of- I don't have to know. I probably won't know this side of heaven. And if I can't be certain, than I surely shouldn't judge. I am only convinced of God's love for me. For you. That's it. That's all I feel like I know. And so, in light of that, I desperately want you to learn to love me as He does- without judgement. And I desperately want to learn to love you as He does- without judgement.
What if, in spite of what we don't know, we let God show us what He wants us to hold to? For me, right now, all I feel like I have to hold on to is His love and so- that is all I have to give. I still have to shove the debris out of the way a lot. I still get caught up in my old patterns of judging and thinking in black and white. But I feel most at peace when I'm abiding in His love and giving it away.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
In Spite of My Doubt (Part 3)
Anger is usually a secondary emotion, right? I was so so angry. But really, I'm realizing, I was grieving and disappointed and afraid.
While I can look back and see that I was doubting, I don't think I had admitted that to myself. I was just mad at God. At the God I knew. He wasn't fulfilling His side of the contract that I had imagined with Him. He wasn't 'blessing' my sacrifices. He wasn't making life easy on behalf of the risks I had taken for Him.
And so I was afraid. I couldn't yet admit that maybe the God I had fashioned for myself didn't actually exist. That was too scary.
A few months after the death of our precious baby girl and the death of my dreams of her in our family, I read a book that has made it possible for me to continue to journey with God even when the days came during which I questioned if He was even a reality. The book is called Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. There was so much about the book that spoke directly to my struggle- but one thing he emphasized over and over again has stuck with me for over 3 years now. The idea is that we daily long for our comfort, our ease of life, our 'happiness' over knowing God- and God, knowing how much we sacrifice to settle for those things, sometimes uses deep pain and discomfort to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we will learn to want Him far above all those lesser things.
I admit- if I could have easy kids, no grief, lots of money, no pain... I would snatch those things up and run! I wouldn't look back to see where God was or if He had a different path for me. I would just run. Why? Because all of that sounds easier and far more comfortable than the opposites of those things. Without God getting in my face and proving to me that no true joy can be found apart from Him, I wouldn't look further than those and other 'nice' things to just be happy.
So I clung to the things I learned in that book.
And, I started to recognize my doubt. I started realizing that who I thought God to be- He wasn't. The fear that that created in me was sometimes almost crushing. I couldn't imagine a world without God- but I knew He wasn't who I had always thought He was. And, the more I tried to figure out who He was, exactly, the less clear He seemed. There were many times that I would weep as I tried to express my fear and doubt to Jason. I would feel a life-threatening fear that grabbed me at my core. I was so afraid of a life without God- but no one had ever told me how to believe in a God I couldn't define.
I won't tell you that there has been a resolution to this. I'm still seeking. But God has given me a sense in my soul that He is and He's always been exactly who He is- even when I thought He was someone else. Even when I can't understand. Even when I find out things about Him I never would have believed before. God is God.
This shift in thinking has opened my heart to accepting others in a way I never have before- because one thing I'm still sure of is that God loves me. He loves. He is Love. And if He is in me- than I will love too. The people I have met and the stories I have heard over the past couple of years have convinced me of His love and of His desire for me to love as He does. His love is my desire and what I cling to- even when I am sure of nothing else about Him.
In spite of my doubt, His love overwhelms.
While I can look back and see that I was doubting, I don't think I had admitted that to myself. I was just mad at God. At the God I knew. He wasn't fulfilling His side of the contract that I had imagined with Him. He wasn't 'blessing' my sacrifices. He wasn't making life easy on behalf of the risks I had taken for Him.
And so I was afraid. I couldn't yet admit that maybe the God I had fashioned for myself didn't actually exist. That was too scary.
A few months after the death of our precious baby girl and the death of my dreams of her in our family, I read a book that has made it possible for me to continue to journey with God even when the days came during which I questioned if He was even a reality. The book is called Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. There was so much about the book that spoke directly to my struggle- but one thing he emphasized over and over again has stuck with me for over 3 years now. The idea is that we daily long for our comfort, our ease of life, our 'happiness' over knowing God- and God, knowing how much we sacrifice to settle for those things, sometimes uses deep pain and discomfort to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we will learn to want Him far above all those lesser things.
I admit- if I could have easy kids, no grief, lots of money, no pain... I would snatch those things up and run! I wouldn't look back to see where God was or if He had a different path for me. I would just run. Why? Because all of that sounds easier and far more comfortable than the opposites of those things. Without God getting in my face and proving to me that no true joy can be found apart from Him, I wouldn't look further than those and other 'nice' things to just be happy.
So I clung to the things I learned in that book.
And, I started to recognize my doubt. I started realizing that who I thought God to be- He wasn't. The fear that that created in me was sometimes almost crushing. I couldn't imagine a world without God- but I knew He wasn't who I had always thought He was. And, the more I tried to figure out who He was, exactly, the less clear He seemed. There were many times that I would weep as I tried to express my fear and doubt to Jason. I would feel a life-threatening fear that grabbed me at my core. I was so afraid of a life without God- but no one had ever told me how to believe in a God I couldn't define.
I won't tell you that there has been a resolution to this. I'm still seeking. But God has given me a sense in my soul that He is and He's always been exactly who He is- even when I thought He was someone else. Even when I can't understand. Even when I find out things about Him I never would have believed before. God is God.
This shift in thinking has opened my heart to accepting others in a way I never have before- because one thing I'm still sure of is that God loves me. He loves. He is Love. And if He is in me- than I will love too. The people I have met and the stories I have heard over the past couple of years have convinced me of His love and of His desire for me to love as He does. His love is my desire and what I cling to- even when I am sure of nothing else about Him.
In spite of my doubt, His love overwhelms.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Pastor's Wife
That's been one of my titles for the past 7+ years. A title I never expected to have. A title I'm still not quite sure what to do with. A title I have, honestly, been embarrassed and maybe even ashamed of, at times. I don't want to be defined by that title. When people hear that I'm a pastor's wife- I don't want them to suddenly have different expectations of me. I don't want them to assume things about me based on that description.
Before I go any further- let me say very clearly that I could not be more proud of my husband. His role as a minister suits him so well. He is excellent at what he does and incredibly gifted in what he has been called to. I am indescribably proud of him and never for one minute embarrassed or ashamed to be his wife. That is not what I'm talking about here.
I regularly feel the need to clarify to new acquaintances that I haven't always been a pastor's wife, nor did I 'sign up to be one.' In fact, I let them know that I actually pointed out to my husband that this role was not outlined in our marriage vows- it wasn't part of the deal. I joke that I'm not well enough behaved to fit into this role. I go overboard with this- most likely making them feel uncomfortable- in an effort to somehow try to not be perceived as I have always perceived women who hold this title.
I grew up in the church and have known many pastor's wives throughout my life. As a child, adolscent, and even young adult, I perceived these ladies to be 'ultra-spiritual,' submissive, demure, gentle women who played the piano at church and hosted dainty tea parties for expectant mothers and brides-to-be. They were definitely well-behaved. They wore dresses and pantyhose. They were strict but calm mothers. They were quietly present at all church gatherings. They knew what they believed and led women's Bible studies on topics like 'how to be a good wife,' and 'how to have a gentle and quiet spirit.' These women never drink anything stronger than black coffee and certainly never use strong language.
Hmmm... Me? Not so much.
I have definitely tried to be ultra-spiritual- and have even been dogmatic about my beliefs in the past. I've never been what I used to think submissive was. I'm not demure or necessarily gentle. I do know how to play the piano but never have in church. I don't own a tea set. I'm not well-behaved. I don't own a dress and have sworn to never wear pantyhose again in my life. I am a strict mother- but not calm. I don't go to very many church gatherings. I haven't led a Bible study in years. I like Rum and Cokes, Mojitos and often feel like only words that are considered 'foul' can possibly do justice to what I'm trying to say.
So how does the title look on me? Well, I'm passionate and bold- but not about things you might expect. I long to work alongside my husband but only if I am free to bring all of myself to the task. I have a LOT of questions about who God is and what the Bible really means. I wonder how He meant for us to understand it and if we're even close. I have had days where I wonder if God exists. I have had days where I've thought that if He does- He can't be a good God. I have serious questions about who, in the end, will get into Heaven and wonder if maybe He might find a way to get a whole lot more people there than most Christians believe. I don't understand completely, but think that maybe most people don't choose their sexuality and, regardless, I think that if I'm going to be like Jesus I should just love everyone well. I think that when our bodies became the temple for the Holy Spirit we should have stopped pouring money into buildings and sanctuaries and started caring much much more for those whose temples have been abused, neglected, famished, dehydrated, unsheltered, forgotten and unloved.
Going to church doesn't feel like worship for me- it feels like a place where I am expected to come and represent what the leadership believes but a place where I should not bring the questions I have or talk about the ways my beliefs differ. I'm wondering if those are limitations and expectations I've assumed on myself or if they really exist.
Inspite of all of this, I love being married to my pastor. I love the journey we've been on together. I love that God is ok with my questions and doubts. And I believe that He loves me and has me here to teach me more of Him and His truth. I want to be faithful to keep seeking Him and spend less time worrying about how I'm percieved and much more time finding out how I can honor Him as a pastor's wife.
Before I go any further- let me say very clearly that I could not be more proud of my husband. His role as a minister suits him so well. He is excellent at what he does and incredibly gifted in what he has been called to. I am indescribably proud of him and never for one minute embarrassed or ashamed to be his wife. That is not what I'm talking about here.
I regularly feel the need to clarify to new acquaintances that I haven't always been a pastor's wife, nor did I 'sign up to be one.' In fact, I let them know that I actually pointed out to my husband that this role was not outlined in our marriage vows- it wasn't part of the deal. I joke that I'm not well enough behaved to fit into this role. I go overboard with this- most likely making them feel uncomfortable- in an effort to somehow try to not be perceived as I have always perceived women who hold this title.
I grew up in the church and have known many pastor's wives throughout my life. As a child, adolscent, and even young adult, I perceived these ladies to be 'ultra-spiritual,' submissive, demure, gentle women who played the piano at church and hosted dainty tea parties for expectant mothers and brides-to-be. They were definitely well-behaved. They wore dresses and pantyhose. They were strict but calm mothers. They were quietly present at all church gatherings. They knew what they believed and led women's Bible studies on topics like 'how to be a good wife,' and 'how to have a gentle and quiet spirit.' These women never drink anything stronger than black coffee and certainly never use strong language.
Hmmm... Me? Not so much.
I have definitely tried to be ultra-spiritual- and have even been dogmatic about my beliefs in the past. I've never been what I used to think submissive was. I'm not demure or necessarily gentle. I do know how to play the piano but never have in church. I don't own a tea set. I'm not well-behaved. I don't own a dress and have sworn to never wear pantyhose again in my life. I am a strict mother- but not calm. I don't go to very many church gatherings. I haven't led a Bible study in years. I like Rum and Cokes, Mojitos and often feel like only words that are considered 'foul' can possibly do justice to what I'm trying to say.
So how does the title look on me? Well, I'm passionate and bold- but not about things you might expect. I long to work alongside my husband but only if I am free to bring all of myself to the task. I have a LOT of questions about who God is and what the Bible really means. I wonder how He meant for us to understand it and if we're even close. I have had days where I wonder if God exists. I have had days where I've thought that if He does- He can't be a good God. I have serious questions about who, in the end, will get into Heaven and wonder if maybe He might find a way to get a whole lot more people there than most Christians believe. I don't understand completely, but think that maybe most people don't choose their sexuality and, regardless, I think that if I'm going to be like Jesus I should just love everyone well. I think that when our bodies became the temple for the Holy Spirit we should have stopped pouring money into buildings and sanctuaries and started caring much much more for those whose temples have been abused, neglected, famished, dehydrated, unsheltered, forgotten and unloved.
Going to church doesn't feel like worship for me- it feels like a place where I am expected to come and represent what the leadership believes but a place where I should not bring the questions I have or talk about the ways my beliefs differ. I'm wondering if those are limitations and expectations I've assumed on myself or if they really exist.
Inspite of all of this, I love being married to my pastor. I love the journey we've been on together. I love that God is ok with my questions and doubts. And I believe that He loves me and has me here to teach me more of Him and His truth. I want to be faithful to keep seeking Him and spend less time worrying about how I'm percieved and much more time finding out how I can honor Him as a pastor's wife.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
In Spite of My Guilt
Mommy Guilt
Sinner's Guilt
Financial Guilt
Wasted Time Guilt
Laziness Guilt
Over-eater's Guilt
Wife Guilt
Letting Others Down Guilt
Unhealthy Choices Guilt
Wicked Thoughts Guilt
I have all of that and more. I carry around a burden of guilt that is unbearably heavy. And I can't just put it down because I have wallowed in it. I have tied it on. It is wrapped around and around. I must actually cling to it- as if my life depended on it.
WHY?
I don't know when it started. I know that there was a lot of legalism in my home growing up. There were a lot of rules and a lot of lectures. There was lots of guilt heaped on me. So, I assume that it began before I had a choice. But what about now? I know the truth. I've read the Bible and meditated on God's Word. I know, logically, that in Christ, there is NO CONDEMNATION. Christ didn't have to die twice on the cross for my sins- just once. I know that in my head, but it doesn't transfer. I see how fall short I fall from God's glory and I get stuck.
Lately my greatest burden of guilt is Mommy Guilt. The harder I try to do things right, the more often I mess up. I yell too much. I scream. I say hurtful things. I demand and expect. I am legalistic. I am becoming what I knew, or at least what I remember, as a child. Look at what it has turned me into.
WHY?
Why would I do to my precious children what I can look back and see was wrong with how I was parented? And, when I see how wrong it is and want so desperately to be different, why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?
I can't seem to find the answers to those questions right now. But I am determined to dive deep into the truth. I KNOW that my God will give me victory. I don't know when or how, and I don't know why it hasn't come yet. But I will continually believe Him for freedom from all this guilt. I will NOT let it win.
I keep listening to the lies that Satan whispers in my ear. And I keep telling myself things that I know aren't true. It is time for me to get back to what I KNOW TO BE TRUE. It is time for me to spend lots of time reading the 'Love Letter' God wrote to each of us, to me. I will saturate my heart and mind in His Word. And I will spend time having long talks with my Jesus. I know that I know that when I am filled up with Him and His Love that I will overflow with that love and truth in my parenting. I'm so looking forward to laying down this burden that is weighing me down in so many areas of my life.
And I'm sure that in spite of my guilt, God's love will overwhelm my soul and refresh my spirit.
Sinner's Guilt
Financial Guilt
Wasted Time Guilt
Laziness Guilt
Over-eater's Guilt
Wife Guilt
Letting Others Down Guilt
Unhealthy Choices Guilt
Wicked Thoughts Guilt
I have all of that and more. I carry around a burden of guilt that is unbearably heavy. And I can't just put it down because I have wallowed in it. I have tied it on. It is wrapped around and around. I must actually cling to it- as if my life depended on it.
WHY?
I don't know when it started. I know that there was a lot of legalism in my home growing up. There were a lot of rules and a lot of lectures. There was lots of guilt heaped on me. So, I assume that it began before I had a choice. But what about now? I know the truth. I've read the Bible and meditated on God's Word. I know, logically, that in Christ, there is NO CONDEMNATION. Christ didn't have to die twice on the cross for my sins- just once. I know that in my head, but it doesn't transfer. I see how fall short I fall from God's glory and I get stuck.
Lately my greatest burden of guilt is Mommy Guilt. The harder I try to do things right, the more often I mess up. I yell too much. I scream. I say hurtful things. I demand and expect. I am legalistic. I am becoming what I knew, or at least what I remember, as a child. Look at what it has turned me into.
WHY?
Why would I do to my precious children what I can look back and see was wrong with how I was parented? And, when I see how wrong it is and want so desperately to be different, why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?
I can't seem to find the answers to those questions right now. But I am determined to dive deep into the truth. I KNOW that my God will give me victory. I don't know when or how, and I don't know why it hasn't come yet. But I will continually believe Him for freedom from all this guilt. I will NOT let it win.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1 (I will meditate on the entire chapter!)
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:23 (I can even stop yelling.)I keep trying to stop this behavior with no success. I keep trying to NOT feel guilty. I think maybe I need to look at what I can do. I can fill my heart and mind up with the word of God. I can learn to know Him more. Love Him more. Dwell in Him more.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and
petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace
of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your
minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is
excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Philippians 4:
6-8
Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 4:8
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I callto you. I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:1-2
I keep listening to the lies that Satan whispers in my ear. And I keep telling myself things that I know aren't true. It is time for me to get back to what I KNOW TO BE TRUE. It is time for me to spend lots of time reading the 'Love Letter' God wrote to each of us, to me. I will saturate my heart and mind in His Word. And I will spend time having long talks with my Jesus. I know that I know that when I am filled up with Him and His Love that I will overflow with that love and truth in my parenting. I'm so looking forward to laying down this burden that is weighing me down in so many areas of my life.
And I'm sure that in spite of my guilt, God's love will overwhelm my soul and refresh my spirit.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
In Spite of My Grief
I didn't really know grief until Nandinie died. I had experienced losing my grandparents and that was hard- but not devastating.
My life has been pretty and easy. It has been happy and blessed. It has been sheltered.
And then grief happened to me.
It was a complete surprise. I didn't even know that Nandinie was sick until she was already gone. And she hadn't ever been here with us. She was still in Haiti. So even the depth of my grief was a surprise, as we didn't really know her or have a relationship with her. We only had our hopes and dreams of her and the love we felt for her because she had been born in our hearts the moment we said yes to adopting her.
People who have not experienced devastating losses in their lives can sympathize with someone who is grieving, but not empathize. There is a difference and I learned that after she died. I have been forever changed. I am now a momma who has lost a child. I am part of that group. And so is her birth momma.
I realize now that this culture doesn't know what to do with grieving people. We are uncomfortable with them. We want them to STOP grieving so that we can stop being uncomfortable. How do you stop something that overtakes you in spite of you? God told us to expect both. Both are NORMAL. Neither is wrong or out of place in this lifetime.
My life has been pretty and easy. It has been happy and blessed. It has been sheltered.
And then grief happened to me.
It was a complete surprise. I didn't even know that Nandinie was sick until she was already gone. And she hadn't ever been here with us. She was still in Haiti. So even the depth of my grief was a surprise, as we didn't really know her or have a relationship with her. We only had our hopes and dreams of her and the love we felt for her because she had been born in our hearts the moment we said yes to adopting her.
People who have not experienced devastating losses in their lives can sympathize with someone who is grieving, but not empathize. There is a difference and I learned that after she died. I have been forever changed. I am now a momma who has lost a child. I am part of that group. And so is her birth momma.
I realize now that this culture doesn't know what to do with grieving people. We are uncomfortable with them. We want them to STOP grieving so that we can stop being uncomfortable. How do you stop something that overtakes you in spite of you? God told us to expect both. Both are NORMAL. Neither is wrong or out of place in this lifetime.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven;
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance...
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-4 NIV
There are other cultures that do a better job of joining someone on a journey thru grief. And, I believe that we used to do a better job too. There were periods in history when people who were in mourning wore clothing that announced to the world that they had lost someone close to them. People didn't try to hide that life was hard or ignore that someone was hurting. It was known at a glance. And they might have worn their mourning clothes for several months or maybe even a year or longer. It must have been a comforting reminder to a hurting person that it was still okay and even expected that he or she put on those clothes and remember their grief and the life of the person they lost as they also took time to heal.
I'm not saying that is the answer- or that there aren't down sides to that idea. I just think we don't know how to let ourselves grieve for as long as it takes or to let someone else grieve as they need to.
I'm not saying that is the answer- or that there aren't down sides to that idea. I just think we don't know how to let ourselves grieve for as long as it takes or to let someone else grieve as they need to.
As I cried out to God and sought for answers in the Bible in those first few weeks after her death, I came to understand a passage of scripture that hadn't ever made sense to me before. In the book of John, chapter 11, Jesus learns that His very dear friend, Lazerus is ill and even dying. But He doesn't go to him. He then learns that he has died, and so He goes to see Lazerus' sisters. His sisters are so confused and angry in their grief that Jesus didn't come before it was too late to heal their brother.
As Jesus sees Mary weeping, He experiences, as a human man, the anger of grief and the sorrow and He, too, weeps. He then asks to be taken to the grave where Lazerus was buried. As He saw the grim reality of a tomb and thought of His own friend lying in there He wept again. And after He had wept, He raised Lazerus from the dead.
I never understood why He grieved, why He wept, when He knew that He was going to raise Lazerus from the dead. And, what I have come to believe is born out of my own experience and not necessarily the why. (I may ask Him when I get to heaven if I'm even close.) But I believe that in that moment, as He saw someone who He loved grieving that gut-wrenching grief that feels unbearable, that Jesus, the Son of God, felt as a human, but also as God- the overwhelming grief of every person on this earth who has or ever will grieve the loss of a loved one. He wasn't grieving the loss of Lazerus. He knew Lazerus was going to come back to life. He was empathizing with each one of us who knows that pain. He felt the pain, He understood it as a man and as a God who sees all our pain, and He grieved in empathy for Mary and for me and for you.
I experienced my God and my Savior in a new way on the day that that story made more sense to me. I experienced my God as empathetic in a tangible way for me.
There will never be an explanation that feels okay to my human mind for why sweet Nandinie died in October. Please don't tell me a reason why. It won't help. However, my God has proved Himself to me over and over and I can trust that He knows best and He knows why. I am at peace knowing that He knows. I can also see how He is using her death to bring glory to His name and to continue to grow me into a child who looks more like her Father. That doesn't answer why, but it does bring some beauty out of the ashes.
In spite of my grief, His love, His empathy, His comfort and peace, overwhelm my soul.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Starting Again
The day after I began this blog I recieved a phone call telling me that my sweet precious baby girl in Haiti, who we were in process to adopt, had died very suddenly from an allergic reaction to some medication. I was devastated and felt completely derailed from life.
Nandinie is the biological sister to our 2 Haitian children that we adopted and brought home on February 9, 2008. You can read much more of our story about adopting Monika and John and our short story with Nandinie on my mommy blog.
Needless to say, I have been a bit distracted from posting here. But I'm ready to get started again. And, due to the journey I'm on in life right now, I think that my next post will be about grief and what I've been learning and thinking about as we have said goodbye to Nandinie and our dream to add her to our family.
God has been so good to love us and carry us during this time. I would do anything to have her back, but know that He can use even this, especially this, to mold me and shape me into someone who looks much more like Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)