I Have Some Things to Say

I’ve been trying to find words over the past few weeks. My thoughts have been consumed with the accusations made by Christine Blasey Ford, Brett Kavanaugh’s response during the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, how the two parties of the committee interacted with each other on national television, and the responses I’ve seen from those I know on social media. It has been a very emotional and confusing time for me.

As someone who was treated inappropriately at the age of 5 by a teenage boy and two more times while I was a young teen by two other older teenage boys – and as someone who did not report any of those incidents – I tend to believe women when they come forward. I now talk openly about my experiences, but I have not named those who perpetrated on me. Only a small handful of people know who they are. There have been seasons of my life when I haven’t regularly thought about what happened to me. This is not one of those seasons. Right now, I am reminded daily from countless sources and directions. It is exhausting. And I also feel like I can’t turn away. I lean toward believing the accuser in this situation, but like every other person on every side who wasn’t there- I can’t make an absolute conclusion. I can only wrestle with my experiences and how they are affecting me in the midst of this story.

The hardest emotion I’m experiencing is rage. I feel so much rage at how easily people dismiss the accusations. I feel betrayed by people I know and love who are posting offensive memes, linking to hate-filled articles, and making their own comments about how this woman has chosen to try to ruin Kavanaugh’s life for political gain. I have learned that there are multiple people in my life who I am not safe with; people I won’t count on if something ever happens again. Their behaviors during the past few weeks have reiterated to me that men are often protected by each other (as well as the women in their lives) at the recurring expense of women and in spite of what is or is not true. That has been my experience far too many times in my life and the message has felt clear to me again. 

What does ring true regarding how politics plays into the overall story right now has nothing to do with the accusations and whether or not they are true. The politics are being played by the politicians on both sides- they are not being played by the accuser. And, the politics seem to me to be the primary deciding factor on who is believed. Kavanaugh is a conservative so conservatives seem to believe him. Blasey Ford came out against a conservative so the liberals seem to believe her. This is making me feel NUTS. How can accusations of sexual assault be Democrat or Republican? Blasey-Ford made her accusations BEFORE he was the nominated candidate. She was trying to give info that should be considered before a candidate was chosen. There were multiple Republican candidates on the list. She did not know which one would be chosen and she did not accuse ALL of them. She spoke out about one. The politicians are the ones who held that info. They are the ones who decided to use it the way that they did. And now a woman’s life is being shredded because she was brave enough to speak. Her story is being ‘lumped in’ with political messaging as if her sole intention was to help Democrats take out a Republican candidate. To me, it feels like people don’t want to acknowledge the horror of how often this happens in our world, so they’d rather demonize the victim and discount the story. I don’t know if that’s the truth of this situation- it is just what feels true to me as I’m experiencing it. 

As I watched the portion of the hearing that I had time to view on the day it was broadcast, I was struck by how both parties were treating each other. I attempted to step back from my political leanings and beliefs and just observe and I was struck by how wide the divide is. I saw what looked to me to be disgust, distrust, and disrespect. This was not a committee – it was two opposing teams fighting to the death for their own way. There didn’t appear to be the assumption of good intent. I felt as though each side wanted to win against the other and that the truth was secondary to the outcome. It appeared to be taking place, not for truth or fact-finding- but for the opportunity to try to shred each other on television and receive cheers from each side’s respective base. It felt demoralizing and gross. And I’m seeing the same behavior in my Facebook feed. 

I don’t feel okay right now. I feel afraid. I feel discouraged. I feel angry. I don’t feel very hopeful for positive change. I am disappointed in many people in my life right now. I long for men who will defend women vocally and boldly and with their votes. I want them to risk their comfort and power and popularity with their parties and friends and families to defend me as a woman. I want them to post memes and links to articles and their own comments that show women that they honor them, believe them, and will work beside them to change the astounding statistic that “in the U.S., one in three women and one in six men experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime.” (source)I want them to worry far less about being falsely accused than they worry about the truth of those who have been abused. I can’t say that I hold much hope for these things to happen - but they are what I long for. 

I don’t feel okay-but I am. I am okay. I am also strong and bold. I have some things to say and so I’ll say them, and they’ll matter to some, offend others, and be healing to me.