In Spite of My Arrogance

After several tries with different counselors, I was referred to one early this year that I've been seeing, with Jason, a couple of times a month.  When I tell you about our first experience with him, you'll wonder why I ever went back.

During our first appointment, within the first 20 minutes, as I was trying to explain all the things in our lives that weren't working- and all the things I had tried in desperation to fix those things- and all the ways none of those efforts were helping in any way- he looked at me and said, 'Laura, I'm going to say something to you that is not going to be easy to hear, but you need to hear it... you are an incredibly arrogant woman."

What?  Who says that to another human being?  Well, I guess he does.

My core immediately resonated with what he said.  I didn't know, in that moment, exactly what he was referring too- I just knew he was right.

He went on to explain that I had been talking and talking about all the things I was doing to fix our problems.  I believed that it was in me to change it all.  I just knew that if I found the right book, the right formula, the right counselor- I could fix all of it.  I could even make the other broken people in my life better.

I'm a fixer.  It's what I do.  It's my first desire when I hear a problem.  I want to right it.  It sounds good in theory.  It sounds charitable and generous and wonderful.  Except that most problems aren't any of my business.  And the problems that are my business, well, I haven't actually been able to fix most of them.  And truly, if God is God, than most things should be handed over to him, right?  If He is God and I am His dependent, than shouldn't I be looking to Him for all the answers rather than myself?  my power?  my ability and knowledge?

Several months down the road, at another appointment, I was expressing my continued frustration with one relationship in particular.  I have been so angry with this person.  I have regularly wished that I could walk away from the relationship- but I've known that that wasn't right.  It wasn't an appropriate response.    In fact, I knew that if that was the choice I made, I would live in guilt and regret and shame- not in the relief or freedom I was wishing for.

Our counselor asked me to take some time to really examine what my expectations were in the relationship.  As I started to list what first came to mind, he shook his head- no.  I was talking about how if this person was honest, if she was pleasant to be around, if she wasn't manipulative or selfish or ...  if she was just better- than I could like her and the relationship would be great.  No, he said, those things were not at the core of my expectations.  They were not what was actually making me so angry.

As I thought about it more I realized that it was still my arrogance.  I was mad at myself for not fixing our relationship.  I was furious that I wasn't being the right person, loving the right way, modeling the right things.  Instead of recognizing the grief and pain that are so much a reality in this relationship- I have just wanted to fix it, and when I couldn't, I didn't have it in me to admit defeat- I simply placed the blame on her.  Surely, if it was in 'my' power, all would be right with the world.

I'm slowly letting go of the anger and trying to be real with the grief and pain.  Its hard work, but right now, in this place, she and I are in a better place then we've ever been.  None of the circumstances have changed.  She's not doing anything different.  I haven't fixed anything.  I'm just recognizing truth and letting go of the lies.  I believe that it is God who has allowed me to see into the depths of this.  I'm so thankful that, in spite of my arrogance, He's gently, and humbly, still drawing me into Him.  I won't change her.  I won't even change myself.  But I think He might- and that is a far more hopeful place to be then I've been in for many years.

In Spite of My Guilt

Mommy Guilt
Sinner's Guilt
Financial Guilt
Wasted Time Guilt
Laziness Guilt
Over-eater's Guilt
Wife Guilt
Letting Others Down Guilt
Unhealthy Choices Guilt
Wicked Thoughts Guilt

I have all of that and more. I carry around a burden of guilt that is unbearably heavy. And I can't just put it down because I have wallowed in it. I have tied it on. It is wrapped around and around. I must actually cling to it- as if my life depended on it.

WHY?

I don't know when it started. I know that there was a lot of legalism in my home growing up. There were a lot of rules and a lot of lectures. There was lots of guilt heaped on me. So, I assume that it began before I had a choice. But what about now? I know the truth. I've read the Bible and meditated on God's Word. I know, logically, that in Christ, there is NO CONDEMNATION. Christ didn't have to die twice on the cross for my sins- just once. I know that in my head, but it doesn't transfer. I see how fall short I fall from God's glory and I get stuck.

Lately my greatest burden of guilt is Mommy Guilt. The harder I try to do things right, the more often I mess up. I yell too much. I scream. I say hurtful things. I demand and expect. I am legalistic. I am becoming what I knew, or at least what I remember, as a child. Look at what it has turned me into.

WHY?

Why would I do to my precious children what I can look back and see was wrong with how I was parented? And, when I see how wrong it is and want so desperately to be different, why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?

I can't seem to find the answers to those questions right now. But I am determined to dive deep into the truth. I KNOW that my God will give me victory. I don't know when or how, and I don't know why it hasn't come yet. But I will continually believe Him for freedom from all this guilt. I will NOT let it win.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1 (I will meditate on the entire chapter!)

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:23 (I can even stop yelling.)

I keep trying to stop this behavior with no success. I keep trying to NOT feel guilty. I think maybe I need to look at what I can do. I can fill my heart and mind up with the word of God. I can learn to know Him more. Love Him more. Dwell in Him more.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and
petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace
of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your
minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is
excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Philippians 4:
6-8
Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 4:8

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I callto you. I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:1-2

I keep listening to the lies that Satan whispers in my ear. And I keep telling myself things that I know aren't true. It is time for me to get back to what I KNOW TO BE TRUE. It is time for me to spend lots of time reading the 'Love Letter' God wrote to each of us, to me. I will saturate my heart and mind in His Word. And I will spend time having long talks with my Jesus. I know that I know that when I am filled up with Him and His Love that I will overflow with that love and truth in my parenting. I'm so looking forward to laying down this burden that is weighing me down in so many areas of my life.

And I'm sure that in spite of my guilt, God's love will overwhelm my soul and refresh my spirit.