In Spite of My Grief

I didn't really know grief until Nandinie died. I had experienced losing my grandparents and that was hard- but not devastating.

My life has been pretty and easy. It has been happy and blessed. It has been sheltered.

And then grief happened to me.

It was a complete surprise. I didn't even know that Nandinie was sick until she was already gone. And she hadn't ever been here with us. She was still in Haiti. So even the depth of my grief was a surprise, as we didn't really know her or have a relationship with her. We only had our hopes and dreams of her and the love we felt for her because she had been born in our hearts the moment we said yes to adopting her.

People who have not experienced devastating losses in their lives can sympathize with someone who is grieving, but not empathize. There is a difference and I learned that after she died. I have been forever changed. I am now a momma who has lost a child. I am part of that group. And so is her birth momma.

I realize now that this culture doesn't know what to do with grieving people. We are uncomfortable with them. We want them to STOP grieving so that we can stop being uncomfortable. How do you stop something that overtakes you in spite of you? God told us to expect both. Both are NORMAL. Neither is wrong or out of place in this lifetime.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven;
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance...
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-4 NIV

There are other cultures that do a better job of joining someone on a journey thru grief. And, I believe that we used to do a better job too. There were periods in history when people who were in mourning wore clothing that announced to the world that they had lost someone close to them. People didn't try to hide that life was hard or ignore that someone was hurting. It was known at a glance. And they might have worn their mourning clothes for several months or maybe even a year or longer. It must have been a comforting reminder to a hurting person that it was still okay and even expected that he or she put on those clothes and remember their grief and the life of the person they lost as they also took time to heal.

I'm not saying that is the answer- or that there aren't down sides to that idea. I just think we don't know how to let ourselves grieve for as long as it takes or to let someone else grieve as they need to.

As I cried out to God and sought for answers in the Bible in those first few weeks after her death, I came to understand a passage of scripture that hadn't ever made sense to me before. In the book of John, chapter 11, Jesus learns that His very dear friend, Lazerus is ill and even dying. But He doesn't go to him. He then learns that he has died, and so He goes to see Lazerus' sisters. His sisters are so confused and angry in their grief that Jesus didn't come before it was too late to heal their brother.

As Jesus sees Mary weeping, He experiences, as a human man, the anger of grief and the sorrow and He, too, weeps. He then asks to be taken to the grave where Lazerus was buried. As He saw the grim reality of a tomb and thought of His own friend lying in there He wept again. And after He had wept, He raised Lazerus from the dead.

I never understood why He grieved, why He wept, when He knew that He was going to raise Lazerus from the dead. And, what I have come to believe is born out of my own experience and not necessarily the why. (I may ask Him when I get to heaven if I'm even close.) But I believe that in that moment, as He saw someone who He loved grieving that gut-wrenching grief that feels unbearable, that Jesus, the Son of God, felt as a human, but also as God- the overwhelming grief of every person on this earth who has or ever will grieve the loss of a loved one. He wasn't grieving the loss of Lazerus. He knew Lazerus was going to come back to life. He was empathizing with each one of us who knows that pain. He felt the pain, He understood it as a man and as a God who sees all our pain, and He grieved in empathy for Mary and for me and for you.

I experienced my God and my Savior in a new way on the day that that story made more sense to me. I experienced my God as empathetic in a tangible way for me.

There will never be an explanation that feels okay to my human mind for why sweet Nandinie died in October. Please don't tell me a reason why. It won't help. However, my God has proved Himself to me over and over and I can trust that He knows best and He knows why. I am at peace knowing that He knows. I can also see how He is using her death to bring glory to His name and to continue to grow me into a child who looks more like her Father. That doesn't answer why, but it does bring some beauty out of the ashes.

In spite of my grief, His love, His empathy, His comfort and peace, overwhelm my soul.