If ever there was a mess in an election year in the USA, this is it. And yet, as I look around at many other countries, I still find that we are actually quite civil in how we deal with our disagreements. I think that the gift of this election will be the way that it has brought up our unspoken differences and forced us to confront them.

I am truly struggling to figure out how to vote. I have read so many opinions and articles. I have heard many sides. I have talked to many people who I respect who differ on what the right thing is to do. The only thing I know for sure so far is that I will not vote for Donald Trump. That will not happen. So, my other options are to vote for Hillary Clinton, vote for a third party candidate, or abstain from voting for a presidential candidate altogether. I find that many of my extended family members and my church family members are appalled at my stance against Trump and the possibility that I might vote for Clinton.

As I’m wrestling with this decision, I want to share some things that might help these people better understand where I am coming from.

I grew up being taught a faith that was supposed to be a given. The things I was told to believe weren’t up for discussion because they were just true. They were just the way things are supposed to be. I was taught that all true Christians believed the same as what I was taught to believe.

In my adult life I have found that I can’t buy into the black and white of much of what I was taught as a child. It doesn’t work for me. I haven’t lost my faith, in fact I am quite passionate about it, it just doesn’t look as much like my parents’ faith as it used to. And, yes, I do still believe I am a Christian anyway. And, I also believe that they are too. I am grateful for the foundation I was given, and I don’t apologize that what I believe today is quite different. I feel strongly about my beliefs today, but I don’t believe that I need to try to change everyone to think as I do. (Sometimes I forget that I believe that, but I try to keep coming back to it.)

There are some issues that are being loudly debated between the conservative and more progressive followers of Christianity. I want to try to address my thoughts on some of them to try to give perspective to conservatives who can’t comprehend that Christians can support the people and ideas we progressives support. I think that my perspective is unique because I used to embrace the conservative approach to these topics so I understand both sides in a way that those who have always been liberal or conservative might not understand.

Abortion:

I have said it before, and I will state it again here, I am so very pro-life. I believe that a baby is a life at conception. I never ever want anyone to have an abortion. When it comes to this issue in politics, I am not a one issue voter. I have had Christians say that this is the first issue they look to and if a candidate is pro-choice they don’t need to know anymore about them. They will not vote for them. I no longer make my decision based on this issue. In this article Rebecca Reynolds remind us that  “Roe v. Wade was passed (in 1973). When it passed, I think that six of the nine justices on the Court were appointed by Republicans. Since then, we have had six terms, 24 years, of Republican Presidencies. Over those same years, Republican-appointed justices have outnumbered Democrat-appointed justices. And yet, Rove v. Wade hasn’t budged.”

I am not looking for candidates who say they will do away with abortions. I don’t believe that abortions will stop happening because they are outlawed. Murder certainly hasn’t stopped happening. I am looking for programs that reduce unwanted pregnancies. Colorado has done an amazing job of vastly reducing teen and unwanted pregnancies, not by outlawing abortion, and not by performing more abortions. In fact, the number of abortions in Colorado has also been drastically reduced. Their success is due to the Colorado Family Planning Initiative. “The initiative has provided training, operational support and 36,000 long-acting reversible contraceptives – IUDs and implants – to low-income women in Title X family planning health centers across Colorado.” Please take time to read the linked article. It is short and full of helpful information.

If I was a one issue voter, I would not be able to vote for either Clinton or Trump as they are both pro-choice – regardless of how Trump tries to dodge the question. This issue is not one that I concern myself with too much when I look at a presidential candidate because I believe the changes that need to happen will be coming from localized programs and initiatives. I also believe that Christians should be much more a part of the change but not by hating those who have had abortions, or those who perform abortions, and not by being one issue voters. We need to be pro-life by more selflessly giving of our time and resources to the poor and marginalized. When women are empowered with better access to education, healthcare, and well-paying jobs, they have fewer unplanned pregnancies. We need to focus less on abortion and more on understanding why unplanned pregnancies are happening and how we can help prevent them.

2^nd Amendment:

Let me start off by saying that we own guns and have them in our home. They are locked up and our children do not, and never have, had access to them without Jason’s assistance. I used to be adamantly opposed to guns in our home (yep, even when I was super conservative), but have always I believed in the right to bear arms. I do not believe that that right should go unchecked. I find that much of what I see from the republican party seems to oppose any restrictions on who can own guns and what kinds of guns are legally available for purchase. I do not agree with this stance. I will support candidates who want to place restrictions on gun ownership.

The argument that ‘restricting the types of guns available is worthless because people can buy any gun they want on the black market’ doesn’t hold a lot of weight with me. People can buy a lot of things on the black market, but we don’t make all of those things legal so that they are readily available to everyone. I’m not in favor of legalizing cocaine or LSD. No one is yelling at me that I’m restricting their rights as an American citizen because I believe we should keep those at bay as much as possible. The best speech I’ve heard on why we need to wisely restrict guns while still allowing the freedom for responsible people to own them is here.

Internally I do struggle with this right as a believer. I do not see Jesus bearing arms. I do not see him taking up swords and guns to oppose his enemies. I see him peacefully laying down all of his rights as a human being to be sacrificed for all of us. I cannot defend a mindset that we should all create an arsenal in our basements in preparation for the end times. Maybe if that day comes, if I am caught without proper protection, I will regret this decision. Maybe I will wish I could better defend myself and my family. And, maybe my ideas about this will one day change, but right now I don’t feel a strong compulsion to vote for candidates based on this issue, especially if those candidates are not in favor of any restrictions.

Affordable Care Act:

I lean toward supporting programs that assist the poor and marginalized in our country. I wanted the ACA to be one of those programs. And, maybe if I talked to some of the poor and marginalized I would find that they are pleased with this program as a starting point. I was willing to have to pay more for our family’s health care, and even receive less for what I was paying, if it meant that more people were receiving the care that they needed. I am not convinced that this has happened. I do not believe, though, that we need to throw it out and try to go back to the way things were. I am all for healthcare reform. We need to do better for all of us, not just for those of us in the middle and upper class portions of society. And we need to do better while not putting small businesses in positions where they can’t afford what they are forced to do. On this issue, my desire is liberal, but my reality says that we need to lean a little more conservative to find the right balance.

Taxes:

I am not very well educated on this topic. We need tax reform. Small businesses should not be closing their doors because they can’t afford their taxes. The wealthy should not be ‘penalized’ for their financial success. I don’t know the right answer, but I don’t think either side has found it yet.

Human Rights:

This past June I wrote a controversial Facebook post on my position regarding people who are LGBTQ. I have also shared my dismay with the unequal treatment of people of color in our country. I find that when I speak of either of these issues the responses I receive from the conservative side of politics often discount the freedoms that LGBTQ people should have. When pressed it seems that people feel that allowing equal rights will somehow actually take away the rights of conservative Christians. I do not follow or believe in that line of thinking.

When I speak of the inequalities I see in how black people are treated in our country I am usually met with responses from people who want to blame black people for how they are treated. I have yet to hear an argument from conservative Christians who oppose the Black Lives Matter movement that is well-informed or based on any facts. Of course there are one-off instances, I have never said that all black people who have ever been shot by police did not deserve to be shot and I do not agree with those who associate themselves with this movement by using violence and destruction to get attention. I simply long for white people to do a little reading, get to know some black people and hear their stories, research the ‘other side.’ I know that I was not aware of the situation until after we adopted and I started to witness how differently black people are treated in America than white people. The truth is, that all people of any color other than ‘white’ can say the same thing in our country. Dismissing the truth doesn’t make it not true.

It has not been until recently that I have thought that I needed to add the rights of women to this list as well. But I do. I will thank Trump for making women angry enough that we are taking our power back from a culture of men who believe that they can treat our bodies how they want when they want.

I am passionate about these topics and will vote in favor of people who are also passionate about bringing equality to every human being.

How to Vote?

How does this all play in to how I will vote this year? How will I make a decision? Many people are telling me that Hillary is just as corrupt as Trump. I have tried really hard to prove that. I have read many articles and links and opinions. I cannot come to that conclusion. I’m not saying she is a woman of honesty or integrity, or that she isn’t corrupt – I’m saying that when I look at what is important to me, and what I hold valuable, she does not hold a candle to the evil I see in Donald Trump. And when I look at what has been written about her I do not find irrefutable evidence that convicts her of being as bad as people say she is. As I look at the reports that are out there that supposedly expose her dishonesty, illegal and immoral actions, I mostly find writings by extreme conservatives who state their opinions as facts and provide very little to back up what they say. There have actually been reports that point to her being the most lied about presidential candidate in our US history. I tend to believe that. She has been crucified in the press from every angle regardless of whether or not there is any proof. With Trump, I feel certain that I know how opposed I am to him simply by the words that come out of his own mouth.

Benghazi is brought up quite often. I think people are not looking at the facts before they blame that on her. Many people are just repeating the memes they read on social media instead of doing their own research. The Atlantic published an article that addresses quite a few of the controversies she has been in the middle of. Some of the statements indicate that her involvement was very serious, but I do not see what the serious results were in this article. It seems very weak to me. People are saying really awful things about her, and other people are believing those things. It’s so scary to think of changing our thinking that it’s easier to just believe what those who we think are most like us are believing. Trust me, I tend toward that all the time.

My biggest beef with Clinton centers around Haiti and reports that she and Bill used their foundation to make money off of a country that has repeatedly been abused by more powerful countries and its own corrupt leadership. This is a country that has also suffered repeatedly at the hands of nature. I cannot fathom what kind of greed is required to take advantage of Haiti after the indescribable horror of the 2010 earthquake.

I do not have a lot of respect or trust for Hillary Clinton. The respect I do have is in regards to her ‘stick-to-it-iveness’ when it comes to remaining in the political arena in spite of the nonstop badgering from the republican camp. She also has real-world experience in politics which cannot be said of Trump.

Never Trump:

Hillary is not a great option for our next president, but in my opinion, Trump should not even be allowed to be a candidate. When I see Christians supporting Trump, my heart is grieved. I feel betrayed by those who taught me what it means to be a follower of Christ. How can those who taught me that I was formed in the image of God, also tell me that a man who not only brags about violating women’s bodies, but also encourages other men to as well, should lead this country?

I feel that conservative Christian Republicans are choosing a desire for power over the message they are sending to the world today about who Christ is. Many are sacrificing their legitimacy to speak to the love of Christ in hopes of winning at the polls. I fear that the Christian Right has been so adamant about being Republican that they have backed themselves into a corner regarding their politics. They fear that choosing not to vote for Trump weakens the long-held stances they have taken against abortion, their 2^nd amendment rights, and their beliefs around the sanctity of marriage. I hold no hopes or illusions that Trump is the answer that conservatives are believing he will be. In truth, I believe that he will be just the opposite and that we’ll all deeply regret an election that ends with him as our next president.

Shikha Dalmia, was published last week reminding us that Trump is so volatile and hell-bent on getting his own way that the only true consideration he’ll take in appointing justices to the Supreme Court is his own. He will focus on whatever topic he wants to control in the moment and find justices who agree with him and who he can manipulate. The danger of that happening “is like handing the keys of your church to an arsonist clutching a can of gasoline in one hand and matches in the other — and hoping that somehow he'd spare the inner sanctum and the holy book. He won't.”

The Atlantic also published a similar article by David Frum in which he reminds us that appointing judges is one of the most important things a president does, but it is not the most important thing:

“Choosing judges is among the very most important things a president does, but not in fact necessarily the most important. Questions of war and peace—and fundamental economic management—matter at least as much, if not more. If Donald Trump stumbles into a war with Russia because he tempted them to attack NATO ally Poland … nobody will be consoled that his Supreme Court nominees were solid on federalism.”

One of the articles that best sums up my thoughts and concerns around the Christians who are continuing to stand in support of Trump was written by Jeremy Jernigan, Executive Pastor at Central Christian Church AZ. Mr. Jernigan is a conservative Evangelical pastor who has joined many other pastors and leaders to say ‘enough is enough.’ He boldly states that “the volumes of leading Republicans who’ve endorsed (Trump) have shown that the party can no longer claim it stands for values compared to the ‘liberal’ Democrats. In fact, it seems as if the things that Jesus cared about the most now get you labeled as a liberal.” As if caring about what Jesus cared about is something to be ashamed of, just as Christians should be ashamed of being liberal.

Jim Rigby is a minister at St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church in Austin, TX. In a Facebook post he acknowledges the sacrificial love and humility of the conservative leaders who have renounced their support of Trump and I share his respect and gratitude:

“I am trying to thank all my Republican friends who have renounced Donald Trump. It is not easy to choose principles over power and that is what many of them have done. Refusing to endorse Donald Trump could very well cost Republicans the election and I feel their act of integrity should not go unnoticed.

I am also assuring my conservative friends that I do recognize corruption on the Democratic side of the aisle as well. While I don't believe most of the conspiracy theories, I am quite aware of the devastating secret trade treaties, the unconstitutional military interventions, and the sleazy backroom conversations many Democrats have held with the very financial institutions they are promising to protect us from.

I want my Republican friends to know that as soon as this election is over and our highest office is safe from the most abject voices of fear and hatred, I pledge myself to the struggle for the same kind of reform for which they have perhaps sacrificed this coming election.

I believe this nation owes them a deep thanks.”

Jonathan Martin, pastor at Sanctuary Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma, wrote a blog post wondering out loud if Trump is the ‘judgement of God’ that we have brought on ourselves. His post is thought provoking and comes from a unique perspective: “I do not believe God’s judgment is about retribution, but a manifestation of hard-edged mercy. Judgment is an illumination of the ugliness that lurks within us, bringing to the surface all that we would otherwise bury so that it might be acknowledged, named, repented of, and ultimately healed.” I’ve seen quite a few people speak to the idea that Trump represents a nationwide problem. We try to place all the blame on him for being so vile, when it is the support of so many that has given him the power and position he has today. If he is vile, then we, as a country must have that same vileness running through us as well.

When I posed some questions on Facebook about how Christians could vote for Trump, and I asked people to be respectful, I was so encouraged by most of the responses. I was most encouraged by Dr. David Osborn’s wise counsel.

“I wish we had different candidates to choose from. But I believe that to follow God we must do this: “We work toward what is best, but work with what is possible.” That’s how God has always worked with people. He works with people or situations where they are to move them in the right direction. In this election, the best choice is not available. So we must decide what is possible to move us in the right direction.
Christians are disagreeing on what is possible at this time. What will move us in the right direction? Our decision is based upon what we see as best, that is, what is most important. Some see what is best, that is, most important, is the next Supreme Court justice. Others see the character of the President as best in a nuclear world. Some see the abortion issue as best. People are not voting upon the person. They are voting upon their concept of what is most important—what is best to them. They may hold their nose when they vote, but they are deciding what is possible to do at the moment to move toward what is best to them.
We could ask this in another way. If we needed open heart surgery and choices for a surgeon were our godly pastor to operate or an atheist, immoral, world-class surgeon to operate, which would we choose? That comment is not pro Donald Trump. It is an illustration that what we see is best determines what we decide to do to move us toward what we see as best. We work toward what is best, but work with what is possible.”

I responded fairly quickly that, if I had to choose, I would choose not to have surgery. I was thinking this with the idea that Trump was the atheist, immoral, world-class surgeon. Dr. Osborn responded with more wisdom.

“I would certainly respect and admire your decision not to have surgery. That would be a sacrificial decision. As for me, I would choose the atheist, immoral, world-class surgeon for two reasons. First, if God used Balaam’s mule, then he can use the world-class surgeon. Second, it would give me an opportunity to witness to him or her. My mother died of cancer. Before she died she told me, “It doesn’t matter whether I live or die. I just want to glorify God.” Her funeral was attended by some of her doctors and nurses. I would see my open heart surgery as an opportunity to make a difference where it would be impossible otherwise.”

As I have thought about this more, though, I have come to realize that I responded so quickly because I have zero belief in Trump as being world-class in anything that matters to me in this election. If I was offered a truly world-class leader to lead this country, even if he or she was not a Christian, I would vote for that person.

Dr. Osborn’s insight also reminded me to assume the best of people who are choosing to vote for Trump. I have felt incredibly hurt and betrayed by some of the people in my life who are standing by him right now. I was reminded that, not only do they feel the same way about me, but that I want to believe the best of the people I love. I want to not allow this temporary situation come between me and my family and friends. That does not mean that I have to stay quiet. It just means that I will remind myself to not take their choices personally, and to not attack their choice either.

I still don’t know what to do.

If I do decide to vote for Hillary Clinton, it will be because I have decided that it is so important that Trump not win that I am willing to vote for someone who I do not believe is a good choice, because the only other candidate is absolutely not a choice for me.

I could decide to vote for a third party candidate. That option has appealed to me quite a bit. Gary Johnson seems to have a pretty clean record as a human being and he has experience in leadership and politics. I do wonder what would come out about him if the press thought he was an actual contender. Right now they are mostly ignoring him.

I could also decide not to vote for a presidential candidate. I have found that people are quite shaming when it comes to these last two options. The decision I make will not be based on how other people look at me or treat me because of how I do or don’t vote. This is America. We are supposed to be the land of the Free. When someone tells me that voting for a third party candidate or not voting is disrespectful to the freedoms we have been given, I feel very little respect for their opinion. I know that I have put many hours of thought, research, conversation and prayer into this election year. What I decide to do will be based on me doing the best I can with the information I’ve been given and I will get to do whatever I decide to do because I live in a free country where I get to decide.

I have now spent several hours researching, reading, and writing an 8 page essay and have still come to an undecided conclusion, or lack there of. I have never cared so much about an election as I do this one. I have never been as informed about an election as I am this one. And I have never been at a loss like I am in this one.

Ultimately, I have been reminded in all of this, that God is still in control. God will not be surprised or taken aback by the outcome. I need to continually look to my Savior for my hope and my guidance. Feeling out of control is frightening. We don’t like it so we do everything in our power to believe that we actually do have control. The mess of this election is an amazing reminder that we truly do not have control from one minute to the next. Nor are we supposed to. When we recognize that we are not in charge, we turn to the One who is. When life is rolling along smoothly it is easy to believe the illusion that we are making that happen. It is in the hard and messy days that we are reminded that God has been carrying us all along and will continue to do so. My hope is in the one who loves me and who has never let me go.

In Spite of My Arrogance

After several tries with different counselors, I was referred to one early this year that I've been seeing, with Jason, a couple of times a month.  When I tell you about our first experience with him, you'll wonder why I ever went back.

During our first appointment, within the first 20 minutes, as I was trying to explain all the things in our lives that weren't working- and all the things I had tried in desperation to fix those things- and all the ways none of those efforts were helping in any way- he looked at me and said, 'Laura, I'm going to say something to you that is not going to be easy to hear, but you need to hear it... you are an incredibly arrogant woman."

What?  Who says that to another human being?  Well, I guess he does.

My core immediately resonated with what he said.  I didn't know, in that moment, exactly what he was referring too- I just knew he was right.

He went on to explain that I had been talking and talking about all the things I was doing to fix our problems.  I believed that it was in me to change it all.  I just knew that if I found the right book, the right formula, the right counselor- I could fix all of it.  I could even make the other broken people in my life better.

I'm a fixer.  It's what I do.  It's my first desire when I hear a problem.  I want to right it.  It sounds good in theory.  It sounds charitable and generous and wonderful.  Except that most problems aren't any of my business.  And the problems that are my business, well, I haven't actually been able to fix most of them.  And truly, if God is God, than most things should be handed over to him, right?  If He is God and I am His dependent, than shouldn't I be looking to Him for all the answers rather than myself?  my power?  my ability and knowledge?

Several months down the road, at another appointment, I was expressing my continued frustration with one relationship in particular.  I have been so angry with this person.  I have regularly wished that I could walk away from the relationship- but I've known that that wasn't right.  It wasn't an appropriate response.    In fact, I knew that if that was the choice I made, I would live in guilt and regret and shame- not in the relief or freedom I was wishing for.

Our counselor asked me to take some time to really examine what my expectations were in the relationship.  As I started to list what first came to mind, he shook his head- no.  I was talking about how if this person was honest, if she was pleasant to be around, if she wasn't manipulative or selfish or ...  if she was just better- than I could like her and the relationship would be great.  No, he said, those things were not at the core of my expectations.  They were not what was actually making me so angry.

As I thought about it more I realized that it was still my arrogance.  I was mad at myself for not fixing our relationship.  I was furious that I wasn't being the right person, loving the right way, modeling the right things.  Instead of recognizing the grief and pain that are so much a reality in this relationship- I have just wanted to fix it, and when I couldn't, I didn't have it in me to admit defeat- I simply placed the blame on her.  Surely, if it was in 'my' power, all would be right with the world.

I'm slowly letting go of the anger and trying to be real with the grief and pain.  Its hard work, but right now, in this place, she and I are in a better place then we've ever been.  None of the circumstances have changed.  She's not doing anything different.  I haven't fixed anything.  I'm just recognizing truth and letting go of the lies.  I believe that it is God who has allowed me to see into the depths of this.  I'm so thankful that, in spite of my arrogance, He's gently, and humbly, still drawing me into Him.  I won't change her.  I won't even change myself.  But I think He might- and that is a far more hopeful place to be then I've been in for many years.

In Spite of What I Don't Know

If you allow yourself to question one or two verses in the Bible that don't seem to be 'true' in light of your circumstances, odds are that you might start to question some more verses too.  And, in spite of yourself, you may eventually find yourself asking the really big question, 'Is the Bible really the Word of God?'  Yikes.

It just feels safer to never go there.  The world is a lot prettier if it either makes sense or you just don't question it.  A lot of Christians prefer to say 'we don't understand it all, but that's just how God designed it.' Well, what if you do start to question?  What if, in spite of what you've been taught, you start to wonder?  Does that make God mad?  Is He offended by that?

I've done more questioning and doubting in the past couple of years than in all the rest of my life combined.  And I feel more at ease with God than ever before as well.  I haven't been struck by lightening.  I haven't been cursed with the plague.  I think God might just really love me.  I think He likes it when I think and wrestle with hard questions.  I think He has encouraged me to use a big shovel to dig down past all the stuff I've been told to believe- to find a treasure chest filled with what He really is.  What is most true about Him has been buried in my heart underneath a whole lot of legalism and 'good ideas' and half-truths.  And I'm finding that what's most tangible to me is His love.  And what He most wants me to be about is His love.  And that what I most desire from Him is His love.

I haven't made peace with the Bible yet.  I'm not convinced that the earth is new.  I think it might be older.  I think that God may have created evolution as part of the cycles of this planet- but I don't know for sure.  I'm not sure that we've interpreted a good deal of the Bible correctly.  And if we haven't, then it's possible a whole heck of a lot of our doctrine is WRONG.  I don't know, but maybe we've judged people for their lifestyle choices based on wrong interpretations.  It's all a bit of a mess in my head right now.  I still read the Bible.  I still ask God about it.  I still want to know.  I'm just not sure I will.

Here's what I feel sure of- I don't have to know.  I probably won't know this side of heaven.  And if I can't be certain, than I surely shouldn't judge.  I am only convinced of God's love for me.  For you.  That's it. That's all I feel like I know.  And so, in light of that, I desperately want you to learn to love me as He does- without judgement.  And I desperately want to learn to love you as He does- without judgement.

What if, in spite of what we don't know, we let God show us what He wants us to hold to?  For me, right now, all I feel like I have to hold on to is His love and so- that is all I have to give.  I still have to shove the debris out of the way a lot.  I still get caught up in my old patterns of judging and thinking in black and white.  But I feel most at peace when I'm abiding in His love and giving it away.

In Spite of My Doubt (Part 3)

Anger is usually a secondary emotion, right?  I was so so angry.  But really, I'm realizing, I was grieving and disappointed and afraid.

While I can look back and see that I was doubting, I don't think I had admitted that to myself.  I was just mad at God.  At the God I knew.  He wasn't fulfilling His side of the contract that I had imagined with Him.  He wasn't 'blessing' my sacrifices.  He wasn't making life easy on behalf of the risks I had taken for Him.

And so I was afraid.  I couldn't yet admit that maybe the God I had fashioned for myself didn't actually exist.  That was too scary.

A few months after the death of our precious baby girl and the death of my dreams of her in our family, I read a book that has made it possible for me to continue to journey with God even when the days came during which I questioned if He was even a reality.  The book is called Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb.  There was so much about the book that spoke directly to my struggle- but one thing he emphasized over and over again has stuck with me for over 3 years now.  The idea is that we daily long for our comfort, our ease of life, our 'happiness' over knowing God- and God, knowing how much we sacrifice to settle for those things, sometimes uses deep pain and discomfort to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we will learn to want Him far above all those lesser things.

I admit- if I could have easy kids, no grief, lots of money, no pain... I would snatch those things up and run!  I wouldn't look back to see where God was or if He had a different path for me.  I would just run.  Why?  Because all of that sounds easier and far more comfortable than the opposites of those things.  Without God getting in my face and proving to me that no true joy can be found apart from Him, I wouldn't look further than those and other 'nice' things to just be happy.

So I clung to the things I learned in that book.

And, I started to recognize my doubt.  I started realizing that who I thought God to be- He wasn't.  The fear that that created in me was sometimes almost crushing.  I couldn't imagine a world without God- but I knew He wasn't who I had always thought He was.  And, the more I tried to figure out who He was, exactly, the less clear He seemed.  There were many times that I would weep as I tried to express my fear and doubt to Jason.  I would feel a life-threatening fear that grabbed me at my core.  I was so afraid of a life without God- but no one had ever told me how to believe in a God I couldn't define.

I won't tell you that there has been a resolution to this.  I'm still seeking.  But God has given me a sense in my soul that He is and He's always been exactly who He is- even when I thought He was someone else.  Even when I can't understand.  Even when I find out things about Him I never would have believed before.  God is God.

This shift in thinking has opened my heart to accepting others in a way I never have before- because one thing I'm still sure of is that God loves me.  He loves.  He is Love.  And if He is in me- than I will love too.  The people I have met and the stories I have heard over the past couple of years have convinced me of His love and of His desire for me to love as He does.  His love is my desire and what I cling to- even when I am sure of nothing else about Him.

In spite of my doubt, His love overwhelms.