Sacred Space

I had the opportunity to share my heart with a small group of people last night. I got to talk about what I dream of when I think about a church that is a sacred space to gather and seek God together. Here are the words I spoke:

What I remember most about going to church, as a child, is the preparation. I remember my mom putting sponge rollers in my hair the night before and how uncomfortable they were to sleep on, but how much I loved the curls in my hair the next morning. I remember always wearing a dress to church, it wasn’t a question of whether pants were allowed or not, it was just what was. And I was okay with it most of the time, except when I also had to wear wool tights under my dress to keep my legs warm. They were incredibly uncomfortable and always sagged in the most unpleasant way. I remember my 3 brothers putting on dress slacks and dress shirts, and that sometimes they also wore a tie and jacket. My dad never showed up to church without wearing a full suit. As a girlie girl, and as a child, I didn’t question these routines, I liked dressing up. I liked people telling me I looked pretty. I didn’t question the idea that we need to make ourselves look a certain way in order to be acceptable at church. I couldn’t have known that those simple acts were my first lessons in how to make yourself presentable to God.

I also remember that all of that extra effort took extra time and, with 4 kids, we were often running late. My parents had a very rocky relationship and the stress of Sunday mornings added fuel to the fire. My dad always wanted to be early- but he didn’t actually help get any of us ready. My mom did all of the care taking when it came to us kids so she was often frazzled and running behind and spent the last few minutes getting herself ready to go. My dad would sit in the car and honk the horn at her. Then they would argue on the way to church. I hated that conflict. But when we got there, when we stepped out of the car, we all put on our smiles. And so did everyone else. I didn’t think about how I was being taught that our mess wasn’t really welcome at church.

I enjoyed church most of the time. I enjoyed seeing my friends. I liked the older women and men who had fun teasing us and chatting with us. I liked being chosen to light the candles at the beginning of the service. I enjoyed the refreshments in the reception hall. I liked my Sunday School teachers, especially one I had in the 1^st or 2^nd grade. She was beautiful and she always wore lots of bright red shiny lipstick. I was mesmerized by her lips while she told us stories from the Bible. Sometimes sitting on the hard pews during the service was boring, but overall, it was ok.

I remember that sometimes we were naughty at church and that the consequences for that were usually much more severe than if we were naughty at home. My dad would put his thumb in the soft part of our shoulder and squeeze it while correcting us with a quiet and frightening whisper. And, if the infraction was bad enough, we would receive a spanking with his belt when we got home. Church was not a place to misbehave or embarrass my parents. We needed to prove to the other church people that they were good parents. Good parents have children who are good too.

In high school and college, I started taking an active part in helping to lead the activities at church. I was fully committed and bought in. It was all I’d ever known, and church was the beginning of where I found God, so I was passionate about being a part. I started owning my own desire to know more of God and I sought people who were further along in their faith than me. I participated in youth group, Bible studies, and, in college, I joined a campus ministry called the Navigators. I was an eager learner and loved the community of learning with a group of people who believed like I did.

I am grateful for so much about all those years and experiences- they are the foundation of what my faith is today. I am grateful for the Navigators for many reason-  but the best reason is that that is where I met Jason. I am grateful for the friendships I made- faith is meant to be lived out together. I am grateful for the elderly people who made me feel welcome, seen, and special as a small child at church. I am grateful for the leaders of my youth groups, Bible studies, and the Navigators- they were passionate about sharing their faith with those they led and I learned so much. I’m grateful that, even though it wasn’t always very pretty, my parents made the effort to get us to church every Sunday.

I couldn’t have known, as a child, or even as a teen and young adult, that in the midst of all the truth I was learning, I was also learning things about God that were not true. I was being taught that only the fixed up should show up. Only those who fit in the box are welcome. If you play by the rules you’ll fit in just fine, if you don’t, or can’t, you might not feel welcome or comfortable. You might even be called out and maybe even asked to not come back.

Sometimes life hands us situations and events that unravel our previous understanding of the world. In 2006, 10 years into our marriage, through a story I’d love to share with you on another day, Jason and I decided to adopt 2 children from Haiti. The clarity we had from God that this was something we were called to do, was absolutely unmistakable to us. On our 10^th anniversary we accepted a referral for Moniqua and John and started an 18 month wait to bring them home that was absolutely agonizing. They were 3 and 7 when we said yes to them. We thought we’d have them home in 4-6 months. They were 5 and 9 when they finally came home. The place they lived in Haiti was not a safe place. They were often hungry, sick, malnourished, and they were not always safe there. We watched and waited from afar knowing that we couldn’t protect them and that we were powerless to speed up the process. It was in the hands of the Haitian government.

On February 9, 2008 they finally came home. We were ecstatic. Watching them experience snow for the first time, taste foods they’d never heard of before, play with all the toys their hearts could desire, enjoy new friendships with their 3 new siblings- it was all a rush. It was fun and endearing and all the things you’d imagine it to be. But underneath all of that joy was pain that could not be ignored forever.

The next few years were really hard- and not just for us as their parents- for them too. Moniqua and John were brought here against what they would have chosen- being kept by their birth mom and dad. They had no reason to believe that our family and home would be any safer than the orphanage they had come from. They had no idea of permanence or abundance, of provision or safety. Their experience up to that point had taught them that food would not always be there, safety was not guaranteed, people could not be trusted. Children do not have words for these experiences and fears. They cannot have a conversation about this out loud. Instead, they express their pain through their behavior. That is not wrong, it is just how it works. In fact, we do this as adults too.

I had read many books about kids who have experienced trauma. I knew all the theories about attachment and how much broken attachments with birth mom can affect children. We had attended trainings and conferences and did our best to prepare ourselves. We had so much knowledge. What I could not have known until I was in the midst of it was how I would feel about it. I didn’t know how bad I’d be at handling it. I didn’t know that I would get so angry or take their behaviors so personally. I didn’t know that I would feel so much grief that adjustment wasn’t just easy, that my efforts didn’t feel like enough. I couldn’t have possibly imagined the guilt I would feel in what a failure I felt I was as their mom. I was consumed by myself and the pain of my experience.

During that hardest season of our lives, I kept showing up to church, hoping for answers and relief from the hard, and I started seeing what I hadn’t needed to see before- what I couldn’t previously recognize as unhealthy. I started experiencing the discomfort that people display when you bring your ugly truth into the church building. Everyone there was working so hard to do what they’d always been taught to do- show up with a smile, hide the pain of the fight you had on the way there, conceal the pain you feel about your broken marriage, disguise the details of your teen’s absence who is rebelling and has refused to come anymore, don’t let anyone know that your 8-year-old son is begging to be a girl. Keep all the unacceptable things hidden.

Well, I am an outward processor. I am transparent to a fault. And so I shared too much. I learned over the first few years that they were home that the church was not a safe place for me to take my pain. And I really needed it to be. If I shared with the wrong people (who I had previously believed to be the right people) I would be told that I needed to pray more, that I needed to stop complaining and be grateful, that I wasn’t trusting God enough. I learned that people were much more comfortable if I didn’t talk about it, if I pretended like everything was okay.

I couldn’t do that. I was too desperate to find help.

Thankfully I found support online with a group of women who had also adopted older children who were struggling and hurting like I was. I took a leap of faith and flew to Orlando to meet all of these strangers, who Jason feared might actually be serial rapists and killers, and I spent 4 days experiencing the most sacred space I had ever had in my life. These women- they were not a Bible study. They weren’t a small group. They weren’t a church committee. Some of them don’t believe in God, some of them used to go to church but left when the disillusionment became greater than the benefit, some of them were very conservative in their faith and some were very liberal. ALL of them embraced me right where I was. ALL of them listened to my story and met me there and not one of them diminished my pain or my experience with a Christian platitude. ALL of them were and still are my church.

18 years ago, when we were brand new parents to just one child, we moved to Colorado and started attending the church where my husband is now employed. Our second weekend there I met my friend Nicole and her husband Jessie there. Nicole and I have twice been pregnant at the same time. We each have 5 kids. We have potty trained our toddlers in her backyard. We have celebrated holidays and birthdays together. We have spent family weekends in the mountains together. We have done life together. We have wept together over disappointments and fears. We have laughed till we cried at the embarrassing and funny things our kids have done and said. Nicole knows more of my thoughts, my passions, my fears and my ugly than any other friend. And she has stayed. She has listened. She has accepted me right where I’m at. Nicole is my church.

Jason and I and our family found a small group of friends a few years ago who we connected with and felt safe with and who we started meeting with several times a year. Our time together was mostly spent around a meal and some wine or cocktails. We didn’t have an agenda. We just all really enjoyed being together and we found that our conversation would naturally turn to our faith. We still get together regularly and our conversations are filled with life-giving stories and with our doubts. We share where we are failing and what we are hoping for. We find many reasons to laugh together, and sometimes we play Cards Against Humanity. Our kids are a variety of ages and test the limits in a multitude of ways- and it’s okay if we all know that. We’re well aware that our kids are going to make mistakes and so are theirs. These people are my church.

A few years ago, after agonizing for several years over attending church regularly as I had always been taught to do, Jason and I decided together that it was not healthy for me to attend Sunday services anymore. I stopped going to the church. I stopped doing something that I had done every weekend of my life since 9 months before I was born. I realized that what I needed and longed for in church was not a place where we put our pretty on to show up. I needed relationships with safe people. And I needed to know that anyone who I might want to bring to church would feel safe there as well. It was time for me to let go of the idea that attending an event on Sunday morning constituted church and was required to be a ‘good Christian.’ I decided to focus on the church I was finding outside of the church building. And I started to dig deep inside of myself and look for the untrue things the Church taught me so I could redefine my faith based on truths that would be new to me.

Throughout the past few years I have struggled to figure out why what I was taught as a child does not work for me today. I have grieved the loss of what felt was easy about my faith before and railed at God about why it’s so hard now. At one point I questioned whether I believed anymore at all. But here’s the thing: in spite of the imperfection of the church and the pain I experienced at the hands of those who should have been a safe place to come and in spite of my own misunderstand of so much about faith, I haven’t been able to let it go. I believe, deep inside of me, and with a passion that I can’t shake, that God exists. And I believe that God loves us. I believe that God knew we would get sidetracked by our humanity, but that He intended for us to seek Him together anyway because the gift of vulnerability in community is a miraculous opportunity to experience grace, love, forgiveness and hope. 

At some point, the church got mixed up and it took a book that is filled to the brim with broken, sinful people and used it to teach its members that we can’t be like those people. We have to be people who represent the perfection we hope for in eternity. Problem is, we haven’t been relieved of our humanity so we aren’t capable of what is being asked of us. At some point the teachings of the church somehow became a guidebook for being perfect like Jesus- except we aren’t. Hypocrisy doesn’t come from being sinful. Hypocrisy comes from telling people they aren’t good enough if they are sinful. Hypocrisy is telling people they aren’t acceptable to God because they aren’t like us. Hypocrisy is a disease that is eating away at the validity of the message that Jesus brought us. We lose our voice to those who don’t know God when we tell them they have to clean up their act and put on their Sunday best to come to Sunday School, because even though we do those things, and in spite of how hard we try to cover up our ugly, it has a crazy way of getting out anyway. We’re exposed as people who asked more of everyone than any of us have to give.

Our desire to present as perfect diminishes the truth and magnitude of Christ’s sacrifice for us on the cross. Who are we to claim or present as people who need God less than others? At what point did the teachings of the church shift from a focus on the awesome gift of relationship with God thru Christ, to the idea that we are supposed to be so good we don’t need Christ?

And so, here I am with all of you and I’m telling you that I’m looking for a sacred space to do church with a group of people who aren’t afraid to show up real and broken and messy. I’m looking for people who can handle my reality and who will risk telling me theirs. I’ll even go first.

I used to read my Bible regularly, but in all of this crazy growth and transition, I stopped believing that it was literal and, while I still hold it with reverence and awe, I’m not quite sure how to use it right now so I didn’t even include a single verse in this talk. I am really insecure about my body and how I look and sometimes I stand in my closet for long periods of time trying to find something to wear that will make me feel acceptable to the world. I judge people and think that if they would do things my way they’d be better off. I have some grudges that I’m holding against people who’ve hurt me and, even though I know I’d be better off if I forgave them, I haven’t done that yet. Sometimes I cuss my kids out when I get angry. I shouldn’t do that, and I’m working on it, but it’s a truth about me you should know if we’re going to do true church together. I am passionate. I love to laugh. I fight hard for things I believe in. I feel driven to be a part of showing the world a God who loves beyond comprehension. I am loyal. I am in process.

So what is Sacred Space to me?

The word Sacred speaks to a devotion and dedication to God. When I hear the word I think of something beautiful, peaceful, set aside for pointing us to God. The idea of gathering with people to seek God doesn’t make the meeting sacred, sacred describes a focus on God, not a focus on our efforts to seek God. The word Space can be defined many ways, depending on the context. One definition is ‘the boundless three-dimensional extent in which objects and events have a relative position and direction.’ For me, Sacred Space, is about gathering together in a place and time that is positioned to direct us to seeking God. I don’t know exactly what that will look like, but I can get excited about trying to find out.

I remember a teacher telling me one time that the best way to get students to behave is not to tell them what they can’t do. The most successful plan is to tell them what they should do. Give them positive instructions. I believe the same applies to our faith. I don’t believe that we’re meant to just accept where we’re at and never grow beyond the hard in our life. I wonder if we come together as whole human beings who spend our time together seeking an infinite and loving God, if maybe the messes will sort themselves out. We’ll become stronger in places where we used to be weak. We’ll grow out of bad habits and lean on each other’s wisdom as we focus more on learning together. And our primary focus will be on a loving God who doesn’t expect us to put on our Sunday best and smile in order to show up.

Is God Punishing Us?

Tonight, while driving home from her basketball game, Anna looked out at the first snow of the season and asked me if God brings natural disasters because of our sin. I asked her to explain her question further. She wanted to know if things like blizzards and tornadoes and earthquakes happen because God is punishing us for our sin.

This is not the gospel message I want my daughter to know or believe.

One of the questions that pervades my thoughts most often is one I don't believe will be answered in my lifetime. Why does God allow the horrific? Why was there not another way? I've read the books. I hear what wise authors say. "The hard shows God's glory. The hard causes us to recognize our need for God. God is God and I am not."

If God is God, then couldn't They have found another path for glorifying Themself? If God wants us to need Them, and They are all-powerful and all-knowing, couldn't They have created beings who recognize their need for Them without all the suffering? Is God too small, too powerless to have done it differently?

I don't get it.

And I don't have an answer for that question...

...but I am convinced that all living things on earth have a life cycle - birth, life, death. That cycle always includes the creation of life, the birth, the living, and the dying. In the forest, when lightening strikes the dry brittle branches of a dead tree and ignites a fire, that fire often burns up healthy, living trees and plants as well. It takes the lives of thriving animals and the homes of birds. It also, by the way, kills diseases that, left unchecked, can run rampant wipe out an entire forest. When it burns out, what is left looks like utter destruction, but when the rain comes again, the grass starts to poke up through the ash. Young trees spring up. Animals begin to find lush and fertile fields of grass and foliage to live on. Birds come back to the area and build new nests. The disease is wiped out and the cycle begins again.

I don't know why this is the way of life, but even God modeled it through Jesus Christ. God knew that the eternal answer to death was a dying and rising again. This truth doesn't explain away the horrors that are taking place in our world today. It doesn't mean we shouldn't grieve when life is lost. It doesn't call us to avert our eyes when we witness suffering or abuse for which we have the ability to stop. We aren't called to give up. Even plants and animals have an innate striving for survival. The drive inside of us to avoid pain and death is from God too. Jesus begged his Father to not have to go thru the dying, but he knew the dying was required to get to the living.

In the course of a lifetime, the recognition of and submission to the lessons of the cycle come through experiencing the cycle. We don't get the option of avoiding pain and death. They come for all of us. We can respond by believing we are being punished, or we can look for the wisdom of our Creator. What do They want us to learn? We can respond with fear or lean into Love.  Reconciling the truth of something is very different from acknowledging the emotions of each stage of living. Leaning into the lessons does not explain the why of how things play out in each circumstance. We may understand the overall cycle, without understanding the why of the individual cycles that take place in each of our lives. Fear may be the right and unavoidable response in the moment of a terrifying accident or assault, but afterwords, as we process, time allows us to seek Love over fear in how we learn from the story. Seeking love builds the muscles of courage, wisdom, presence and trust.

It is my desire to turn my kids (and myself) back to Love over fear when they ask me questions about the hard. Love grows life and courage and truth in our souls. Fear grows anger, cowardice and a death to freedom. I do not and cannot comprehend the why of so much of what happens in our world, but I know without a doubt that God has met me in the hard and has shown me how to receive Love and how to give it too.

I wonder if my kids will soon be asking me if God has turned Their back on the country we live in. It appears that fear is ruling the day. I easily fall prey to the fear and find myself wallowing in anger and judgement. If I can remember and trust the cycle, can I believe that the fire burning here and now may be purging us of the disease that would ultimately wipe us all out? The fire could even turn back on itself and not harm all that we fear it might. Is the pain right now necessary because it is causing the Love and Truth in our spirits to awaken and fight for the Life we innately long for and were created to experience? As we witness what feels like death to much of what we know, can we use the drive inside of us to fight for the Life that is on the other side? Can we be a shelter for the defenseless and pour out a healing rain on what looks like destruction? Can we look for where new Life is springing up out of the dying and marvel at how God's plan cannot be destroyed by what feels far bigger than we can combat?

I will keep getting distracted by the size and intense heat of the flames, for they are daunting, but I'm committed to not getting stuck there. The fear may well show us real danger that we should avoid, but the light of the flames is also illuminating where the Life is and I am drawn there. Life will win in the end, but dying is still part of the cycle. I may have to die to some of what is comfortable for me as the flames burn some of my temporary hopes into ashes, but there is a richer Life to be found after the destruction and what is burning up will feed the soil of hope and Love.

This answer is far more detailed than Anna was looking for (and I didn't burden her with all of it). To simplify it: Do I think God is punishing us? No. Do I understand then 'why' bad things happen? No. Do I see how Life is born out of death? Yes, I do. I don't get it, and I don't always like it, but I have certainly experienced the richness of being forever changed by seeking the Love after the dying. I have most certainly found Life, and that more abundantly, through the cycles of dying and being reborn each time to a deeper understanding of my Creator's Love.

Love does not need a Christian government to spread it's gospel message.

I have had a nagging feeling in my gut during the past few months that Christians are somehow missing the mark when fighting to protect their beliefs as rights through our government. I haven't quite been able to put my finger on what it is. I couldn't find clarity on what I was feeling until some things started to become very clear in the divisive talk and actions that flooded the last few weeks of this election.

People interpret scripture differently. I don't think there are two people on the planet who would find they have the exact same views on every verse in the Bible. We are unique and we have our own minds and experiences that shape our perceptions and understanding.

I believe that part of being separated from God is the confusion we experience because we are limited by our humanness from being able to fully experience or understand who God is. We don't like to feel confused. Confusion leads to fear that we're missing something. Fear makes us feel out of control. Too often in the church we decide to make certain unknowns 'known' by defining rules and understanding around things that God never intended us to get so wrapped up in.

I remember visiting my dad's side of the family when I was growing up and sitting with them at the dinner table while the adults would debate the topic of The Tribulation. The Tribulation is an idea that, in the end times, Christians will be heavily persecuted for their faith. Some people believe that God will snatch up all of the current Christians into heaven before The Tribulation begins and that because of that miraculous world event, many people will come to believe in God but will have to go through this horrific time of being abused, discriminated against, having no rights, and even being murdered, before God finally relents and wipes out all evil. Other people believe that Christians will not be rescued from The Tribulation, and still others think that maybe there is an answer somewhere in the middle. Of course, some believers don't believe in the idea of The Tribulation at all.

It was interesting to hear my dad and his siblings debate this topic. Some of them felt very strongly about their opinions and presented them as fact, others talked about teachers of the Bible who present reasons why it is actually wrong to believe anything but the conclusion they had come to. Some of them just weren't sure about the whole thing.

Who was right and who was wrong? Can any one of them prove in the world today what they thought they understood so clearly in the Scriptures? Is there really a black and white answer? Not feeling certain about something can leave us feeling too exposed and vulnerable. Our human tendency is to try to create peace and harmony in our souls by clarifying the unknown so that we don't feel afraid. Sometimes what we define as a 'known' for us, is not a 'known' for others. Sometimes we are taught our parents' 'knowns' and we grow up believing things to be certain having no idea that other people are not so certain. It is a strange thing, as a young adult, to suddenly realize that something you had no question about, is not that easy or clear for someone else.

Throughout history entire denominations and church affiliations have made decisions about what their black and white 'knowns' will be. They write value statements and membership agreements that clearly state what their beliefs are and the expectations they have for all who join their churches to believe in and abide by these 'knowns.' People feel safe when they surround themselves with others who all agree to be about the same things. People feel like the decisions they've made about what they 'know' to be true are validated when they join a church that has the same 'knowns.'

What, at first feels like inclusion and security inside of a group of believers who think like we think, can slowly fade into a club of exclusion, insecurity, and fear. This happens when we start to find more security in knowing that we know something, than the security we should be finding in knowing that all of us are loved by God and that God's truth cannot be undone by others who don't agree with us. When we start holding our beliefs as more sacred and more important than God's love for everyone, we begin to believe that we must make everyone believe and behave like we do. We forget that what was once a decision we made to define something a certain way might actually not be the only right way to define something. We feel threatened, defensive, and fearful when someone disagrees with us because we really liked the feeling we had in our gut that we had something all figured out and we didn't have to wonder about it anymore.

Churches can become places where people begin to police behaviors and beliefs so that the group as a whole conforms to the shared 'knowns' and everyone feels validated that they are doing it right. Church was intended to be a place of love and service and inclusion. It was never intended to be a place of required conformity. When behaviors become valued above all else, those who don't fall in line suddenly find themselves excluded from the group. They find themselves alone, isolated, feeling unloved and unworthy. Worst of all, they find themselves unwelcome in the Church. This is not the example I see from Jesus in the New Testament. I see a man who spent his ministry breaking down the 'knowns' and rebuking those who held the 'knowns' so sacred. I see a man who sought out those who didn't conform to the rules and embracing them and telling them they were loved by Truth Itself. I see a man who gave his life for ALL, including ALL who didn't look like, sound like, dress like, believe like, or worship like he did.

Please don't hear me say that I don't think there aren't any absolutes. I just don't think any of us should get so certain in our thinking that we think we are the ones who've figured out exactly what those absolutes are and everyone else deserves to be marginalized until they fall into line. If you have chosen faith in God stay humble enough to remember that you might not have it all right. You might not truly 'know' all the truths. And even if you do know something that really is true, remember that the highest commandment that God gave was to love God and to love others. Love comes first.

Christians in America have gotten so wrapped up in the sacredness of their 'knowns' that they have come to believe it is their duty to force compliance on everyone through our government. They truly believe that they are doing this for the best and good of all, but because they are making these laws based, ultimately, out of the fear that drove them to the absolutes they have claimed, they fear everyone who doesn't believe or behave the way they do. This fear leads them to know that first, they must be able to protect their rights so they must be free to own the weapons they will need if the majority decides to go against their 'knowns.' Jesus did not model this. He did not assume he needed to be able to defend himself. He also never said we shouldn't own weapons, but when his day came to face those who didn't believe as he did, he did not call for all around him to take up weapons and defend him. He remained humble and calm. He leaned into love and not fear. He sacrificed the desire to force everyone to understand his truth in the moment for the eternal impact he could have by sacrificing himself in Love instead.

Christians have also chosen the 'knowns' that feel the most affirming to their way of life and they band together to make those 'knowns' required for all. They believe that if everyone will just comply because they are forced to, then everyone will be better people. They forget that compliance doesn't create believers. Compliance doesn't offer salvation. And, compliance will never happen across the board. We were created individually and have lived unique experiences because God, in infinite wisdom and creativity, knows that God's glory can only be revealed in the infinite variety of life and love that is displayed throughout the world. And, every single person is imperfect so we will all mess up, choose selfishness, forget to love well and decide to live out of fear rather than love far more often than we should.

When Christians decide to police things they can't ultimately control, and then decide to alienate and shut out those who don't submit to the rules, they create battles that cannot be won. Change that matters does not happen with lots of rules that say 'don't.' Change happens when individuals say 'how can I help?' Outlawing abortion doesn't stop abortions from happening. Finding out why abortions are happening and finding ways to help women so that abortions are not needed stops abortions from happening. Telling people not to have sex before marriage doesn't keep that from happening either. Showing each individual their worth as a whole person who is loved and valued and who is more than their bodies, helps them to make wise decisions about what is best for them instead of making decisions out of desperation for connection that ends up being about nothing more than instant gratification. Assuming that people who worship a faith other than Christianity are evil doesn't make them evil, nor does it make them interested in learning about our faith. Calling someone evil because they don't think they way we do is something evil we do to others.

We discredit our faith when we believe we need to force compliance but teach a message of grace. We make our faith something to be feared and distrusted when we fear and distrust everyone who does not share our faith. We build walls that exclude and are founded in fear when we think that behaviors indicate the conditions of people's hearts and that we are charged with the responsibility to change those behaviors without first caring for those hearts.

Love meets people where they are.
Love listens to people's stories.
Love is curious and asks questions.
Love assumes the best of people and their intentions.
Love looks for common ground.
Love trusts God with outcomes.
Love values people and relationships.
Love seeks to follow Jesus' example.
Love includes everyone.
Love does not seek to defend itself at the cost of others.
Love does not need for everyone to look at behave one certain way.
Love does not need a Christian government to spread it's gospel message.

It takes a lot of selflessness to love well. It takes a different kind of love and energy to decide to seek to bring change through loving people in the mess of relationship over attempting to force their compliance through laws and legalism. Trying to force an entire nation to comply to the 'knowns' of a few (who might not have it all right) does not create unity or love. It does not bring about the desired outcome. In fact, it only serves to create more divisiveness, more fear, more broken relationships. Being a part of the side that perpetuates so much fear and judges so harshly just doesn't sound to me like being a part of the side that Jesus is on.

If ever there was a mess in an election year in the USA, this is it. And yet, as I look around at many other countries, I still find that we are actually quite civil in how we deal with our disagreements. I think that the gift of this election will be the way that it has brought up our unspoken differences and forced us to confront them.

I am truly struggling to figure out how to vote. I have read so many opinions and articles. I have heard many sides. I have talked to many people who I respect who differ on what the right thing is to do. The only thing I know for sure so far is that I will not vote for Donald Trump. That will not happen. So, my other options are to vote for Hillary Clinton, vote for a third party candidate, or abstain from voting for a presidential candidate altogether. I find that many of my extended family members and my church family members are appalled at my stance against Trump and the possibility that I might vote for Clinton.

As I’m wrestling with this decision, I want to share some things that might help these people better understand where I am coming from.

I grew up being taught a faith that was supposed to be a given. The things I was told to believe weren’t up for discussion because they were just true. They were just the way things are supposed to be. I was taught that all true Christians believed the same as what I was taught to believe.

In my adult life I have found that I can’t buy into the black and white of much of what I was taught as a child. It doesn’t work for me. I haven’t lost my faith, in fact I am quite passionate about it, it just doesn’t look as much like my parents’ faith as it used to. And, yes, I do still believe I am a Christian anyway. And, I also believe that they are too. I am grateful for the foundation I was given, and I don’t apologize that what I believe today is quite different. I feel strongly about my beliefs today, but I don’t believe that I need to try to change everyone to think as I do. (Sometimes I forget that I believe that, but I try to keep coming back to it.)

There are some issues that are being loudly debated between the conservative and more progressive followers of Christianity. I want to try to address my thoughts on some of them to try to give perspective to conservatives who can’t comprehend that Christians can support the people and ideas we progressives support. I think that my perspective is unique because I used to embrace the conservative approach to these topics so I understand both sides in a way that those who have always been liberal or conservative might not understand.

Abortion:

I have said it before, and I will state it again here, I am so very pro-life. I believe that a baby is a life at conception. I never ever want anyone to have an abortion. When it comes to this issue in politics, I am not a one issue voter. I have had Christians say that this is the first issue they look to and if a candidate is pro-choice they don’t need to know anymore about them. They will not vote for them. I no longer make my decision based on this issue. In this article Rebecca Reynolds remind us that  “Roe v. Wade was passed (in 1973). When it passed, I think that six of the nine justices on the Court were appointed by Republicans. Since then, we have had six terms, 24 years, of Republican Presidencies. Over those same years, Republican-appointed justices have outnumbered Democrat-appointed justices. And yet, Rove v. Wade hasn’t budged.”

I am not looking for candidates who say they will do away with abortions. I don’t believe that abortions will stop happening because they are outlawed. Murder certainly hasn’t stopped happening. I am looking for programs that reduce unwanted pregnancies. Colorado has done an amazing job of vastly reducing teen and unwanted pregnancies, not by outlawing abortion, and not by performing more abortions. In fact, the number of abortions in Colorado has also been drastically reduced. Their success is due to the Colorado Family Planning Initiative. “The initiative has provided training, operational support and 36,000 long-acting reversible contraceptives – IUDs and implants – to low-income women in Title X family planning health centers across Colorado.” Please take time to read the linked article. It is short and full of helpful information.

If I was a one issue voter, I would not be able to vote for either Clinton or Trump as they are both pro-choice – regardless of how Trump tries to dodge the question. This issue is not one that I concern myself with too much when I look at a presidential candidate because I believe the changes that need to happen will be coming from localized programs and initiatives. I also believe that Christians should be much more a part of the change but not by hating those who have had abortions, or those who perform abortions, and not by being one issue voters. We need to be pro-life by more selflessly giving of our time and resources to the poor and marginalized. When women are empowered with better access to education, healthcare, and well-paying jobs, they have fewer unplanned pregnancies. We need to focus less on abortion and more on understanding why unplanned pregnancies are happening and how we can help prevent them.

2^nd Amendment:

Let me start off by saying that we own guns and have them in our home. They are locked up and our children do not, and never have, had access to them without Jason’s assistance. I used to be adamantly opposed to guns in our home (yep, even when I was super conservative), but have always I believed in the right to bear arms. I do not believe that that right should go unchecked. I find that much of what I see from the republican party seems to oppose any restrictions on who can own guns and what kinds of guns are legally available for purchase. I do not agree with this stance. I will support candidates who want to place restrictions on gun ownership.

The argument that ‘restricting the types of guns available is worthless because people can buy any gun they want on the black market’ doesn’t hold a lot of weight with me. People can buy a lot of things on the black market, but we don’t make all of those things legal so that they are readily available to everyone. I’m not in favor of legalizing cocaine or LSD. No one is yelling at me that I’m restricting their rights as an American citizen because I believe we should keep those at bay as much as possible. The best speech I’ve heard on why we need to wisely restrict guns while still allowing the freedom for responsible people to own them is here.

Internally I do struggle with this right as a believer. I do not see Jesus bearing arms. I do not see him taking up swords and guns to oppose his enemies. I see him peacefully laying down all of his rights as a human being to be sacrificed for all of us. I cannot defend a mindset that we should all create an arsenal in our basements in preparation for the end times. Maybe if that day comes, if I am caught without proper protection, I will regret this decision. Maybe I will wish I could better defend myself and my family. And, maybe my ideas about this will one day change, but right now I don’t feel a strong compulsion to vote for candidates based on this issue, especially if those candidates are not in favor of any restrictions.

Affordable Care Act:

I lean toward supporting programs that assist the poor and marginalized in our country. I wanted the ACA to be one of those programs. And, maybe if I talked to some of the poor and marginalized I would find that they are pleased with this program as a starting point. I was willing to have to pay more for our family’s health care, and even receive less for what I was paying, if it meant that more people were receiving the care that they needed. I am not convinced that this has happened. I do not believe, though, that we need to throw it out and try to go back to the way things were. I am all for healthcare reform. We need to do better for all of us, not just for those of us in the middle and upper class portions of society. And we need to do better while not putting small businesses in positions where they can’t afford what they are forced to do. On this issue, my desire is liberal, but my reality says that we need to lean a little more conservative to find the right balance.

Taxes:

I am not very well educated on this topic. We need tax reform. Small businesses should not be closing their doors because they can’t afford their taxes. The wealthy should not be ‘penalized’ for their financial success. I don’t know the right answer, but I don’t think either side has found it yet.

Human Rights:

This past June I wrote a controversial Facebook post on my position regarding people who are LGBTQ. I have also shared my dismay with the unequal treatment of people of color in our country. I find that when I speak of either of these issues the responses I receive from the conservative side of politics often discount the freedoms that LGBTQ people should have. When pressed it seems that people feel that allowing equal rights will somehow actually take away the rights of conservative Christians. I do not follow or believe in that line of thinking.

When I speak of the inequalities I see in how black people are treated in our country I am usually met with responses from people who want to blame black people for how they are treated. I have yet to hear an argument from conservative Christians who oppose the Black Lives Matter movement that is well-informed or based on any facts. Of course there are one-off instances, I have never said that all black people who have ever been shot by police did not deserve to be shot and I do not agree with those who associate themselves with this movement by using violence and destruction to get attention. I simply long for white people to do a little reading, get to know some black people and hear their stories, research the ‘other side.’ I know that I was not aware of the situation until after we adopted and I started to witness how differently black people are treated in America than white people. The truth is, that all people of any color other than ‘white’ can say the same thing in our country. Dismissing the truth doesn’t make it not true.

It has not been until recently that I have thought that I needed to add the rights of women to this list as well. But I do. I will thank Trump for making women angry enough that we are taking our power back from a culture of men who believe that they can treat our bodies how they want when they want.

I am passionate about these topics and will vote in favor of people who are also passionate about bringing equality to every human being.

How to Vote?

How does this all play in to how I will vote this year? How will I make a decision? Many people are telling me that Hillary is just as corrupt as Trump. I have tried really hard to prove that. I have read many articles and links and opinions. I cannot come to that conclusion. I’m not saying she is a woman of honesty or integrity, or that she isn’t corrupt – I’m saying that when I look at what is important to me, and what I hold valuable, she does not hold a candle to the evil I see in Donald Trump. And when I look at what has been written about her I do not find irrefutable evidence that convicts her of being as bad as people say she is. As I look at the reports that are out there that supposedly expose her dishonesty, illegal and immoral actions, I mostly find writings by extreme conservatives who state their opinions as facts and provide very little to back up what they say. There have actually been reports that point to her being the most lied about presidential candidate in our US history. I tend to believe that. She has been crucified in the press from every angle regardless of whether or not there is any proof. With Trump, I feel certain that I know how opposed I am to him simply by the words that come out of his own mouth.

Benghazi is brought up quite often. I think people are not looking at the facts before they blame that on her. Many people are just repeating the memes they read on social media instead of doing their own research. The Atlantic published an article that addresses quite a few of the controversies she has been in the middle of. Some of the statements indicate that her involvement was very serious, but I do not see what the serious results were in this article. It seems very weak to me. People are saying really awful things about her, and other people are believing those things. It’s so scary to think of changing our thinking that it’s easier to just believe what those who we think are most like us are believing. Trust me, I tend toward that all the time.

My biggest beef with Clinton centers around Haiti and reports that she and Bill used their foundation to make money off of a country that has repeatedly been abused by more powerful countries and its own corrupt leadership. This is a country that has also suffered repeatedly at the hands of nature. I cannot fathom what kind of greed is required to take advantage of Haiti after the indescribable horror of the 2010 earthquake.

I do not have a lot of respect or trust for Hillary Clinton. The respect I do have is in regards to her ‘stick-to-it-iveness’ when it comes to remaining in the political arena in spite of the nonstop badgering from the republican camp. She also has real-world experience in politics which cannot be said of Trump.

Never Trump:

Hillary is not a great option for our next president, but in my opinion, Trump should not even be allowed to be a candidate. When I see Christians supporting Trump, my heart is grieved. I feel betrayed by those who taught me what it means to be a follower of Christ. How can those who taught me that I was formed in the image of God, also tell me that a man who not only brags about violating women’s bodies, but also encourages other men to as well, should lead this country?

I feel that conservative Christian Republicans are choosing a desire for power over the message they are sending to the world today about who Christ is. Many are sacrificing their legitimacy to speak to the love of Christ in hopes of winning at the polls. I fear that the Christian Right has been so adamant about being Republican that they have backed themselves into a corner regarding their politics. They fear that choosing not to vote for Trump weakens the long-held stances they have taken against abortion, their 2^nd amendment rights, and their beliefs around the sanctity of marriage. I hold no hopes or illusions that Trump is the answer that conservatives are believing he will be. In truth, I believe that he will be just the opposite and that we’ll all deeply regret an election that ends with him as our next president.

Shikha Dalmia, was published last week reminding us that Trump is so volatile and hell-bent on getting his own way that the only true consideration he’ll take in appointing justices to the Supreme Court is his own. He will focus on whatever topic he wants to control in the moment and find justices who agree with him and who he can manipulate. The danger of that happening “is like handing the keys of your church to an arsonist clutching a can of gasoline in one hand and matches in the other — and hoping that somehow he'd spare the inner sanctum and the holy book. He won't.”

The Atlantic also published a similar article by David Frum in which he reminds us that appointing judges is one of the most important things a president does, but it is not the most important thing:

“Choosing judges is among the very most important things a president does, but not in fact necessarily the most important. Questions of war and peace—and fundamental economic management—matter at least as much, if not more. If Donald Trump stumbles into a war with Russia because he tempted them to attack NATO ally Poland … nobody will be consoled that his Supreme Court nominees were solid on federalism.”

One of the articles that best sums up my thoughts and concerns around the Christians who are continuing to stand in support of Trump was written by Jeremy Jernigan, Executive Pastor at Central Christian Church AZ. Mr. Jernigan is a conservative Evangelical pastor who has joined many other pastors and leaders to say ‘enough is enough.’ He boldly states that “the volumes of leading Republicans who’ve endorsed (Trump) have shown that the party can no longer claim it stands for values compared to the ‘liberal’ Democrats. In fact, it seems as if the things that Jesus cared about the most now get you labeled as a liberal.” As if caring about what Jesus cared about is something to be ashamed of, just as Christians should be ashamed of being liberal.

Jim Rigby is a minister at St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church in Austin, TX. In a Facebook post he acknowledges the sacrificial love and humility of the conservative leaders who have renounced their support of Trump and I share his respect and gratitude:

“I am trying to thank all my Republican friends who have renounced Donald Trump. It is not easy to choose principles over power and that is what many of them have done. Refusing to endorse Donald Trump could very well cost Republicans the election and I feel their act of integrity should not go unnoticed.

I am also assuring my conservative friends that I do recognize corruption on the Democratic side of the aisle as well. While I don't believe most of the conspiracy theories, I am quite aware of the devastating secret trade treaties, the unconstitutional military interventions, and the sleazy backroom conversations many Democrats have held with the very financial institutions they are promising to protect us from.

I want my Republican friends to know that as soon as this election is over and our highest office is safe from the most abject voices of fear and hatred, I pledge myself to the struggle for the same kind of reform for which they have perhaps sacrificed this coming election.

I believe this nation owes them a deep thanks.”

Jonathan Martin, pastor at Sanctuary Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma, wrote a blog post wondering out loud if Trump is the ‘judgement of God’ that we have brought on ourselves. His post is thought provoking and comes from a unique perspective: “I do not believe God’s judgment is about retribution, but a manifestation of hard-edged mercy. Judgment is an illumination of the ugliness that lurks within us, bringing to the surface all that we would otherwise bury so that it might be acknowledged, named, repented of, and ultimately healed.” I’ve seen quite a few people speak to the idea that Trump represents a nationwide problem. We try to place all the blame on him for being so vile, when it is the support of so many that has given him the power and position he has today. If he is vile, then we, as a country must have that same vileness running through us as well.

When I posed some questions on Facebook about how Christians could vote for Trump, and I asked people to be respectful, I was so encouraged by most of the responses. I was most encouraged by Dr. David Osborn’s wise counsel.

“I wish we had different candidates to choose from. But I believe that to follow God we must do this: “We work toward what is best, but work with what is possible.” That’s how God has always worked with people. He works with people or situations where they are to move them in the right direction. In this election, the best choice is not available. So we must decide what is possible to move us in the right direction.
Christians are disagreeing on what is possible at this time. What will move us in the right direction? Our decision is based upon what we see as best, that is, what is most important. Some see what is best, that is, most important, is the next Supreme Court justice. Others see the character of the President as best in a nuclear world. Some see the abortion issue as best. People are not voting upon the person. They are voting upon their concept of what is most important—what is best to them. They may hold their nose when they vote, but they are deciding what is possible to do at the moment to move toward what is best to them.
We could ask this in another way. If we needed open heart surgery and choices for a surgeon were our godly pastor to operate or an atheist, immoral, world-class surgeon to operate, which would we choose? That comment is not pro Donald Trump. It is an illustration that what we see is best determines what we decide to do to move us toward what we see as best. We work toward what is best, but work with what is possible.”

I responded fairly quickly that, if I had to choose, I would choose not to have surgery. I was thinking this with the idea that Trump was the atheist, immoral, world-class surgeon. Dr. Osborn responded with more wisdom.

“I would certainly respect and admire your decision not to have surgery. That would be a sacrificial decision. As for me, I would choose the atheist, immoral, world-class surgeon for two reasons. First, if God used Balaam’s mule, then he can use the world-class surgeon. Second, it would give me an opportunity to witness to him or her. My mother died of cancer. Before she died she told me, “It doesn’t matter whether I live or die. I just want to glorify God.” Her funeral was attended by some of her doctors and nurses. I would see my open heart surgery as an opportunity to make a difference where it would be impossible otherwise.”

As I have thought about this more, though, I have come to realize that I responded so quickly because I have zero belief in Trump as being world-class in anything that matters to me in this election. If I was offered a truly world-class leader to lead this country, even if he or she was not a Christian, I would vote for that person.

Dr. Osborn’s insight also reminded me to assume the best of people who are choosing to vote for Trump. I have felt incredibly hurt and betrayed by some of the people in my life who are standing by him right now. I was reminded that, not only do they feel the same way about me, but that I want to believe the best of the people I love. I want to not allow this temporary situation come between me and my family and friends. That does not mean that I have to stay quiet. It just means that I will remind myself to not take their choices personally, and to not attack their choice either.

I still don’t know what to do.

If I do decide to vote for Hillary Clinton, it will be because I have decided that it is so important that Trump not win that I am willing to vote for someone who I do not believe is a good choice, because the only other candidate is absolutely not a choice for me.

I could decide to vote for a third party candidate. That option has appealed to me quite a bit. Gary Johnson seems to have a pretty clean record as a human being and he has experience in leadership and politics. I do wonder what would come out about him if the press thought he was an actual contender. Right now they are mostly ignoring him.

I could also decide not to vote for a presidential candidate. I have found that people are quite shaming when it comes to these last two options. The decision I make will not be based on how other people look at me or treat me because of how I do or don’t vote. This is America. We are supposed to be the land of the Free. When someone tells me that voting for a third party candidate or not voting is disrespectful to the freedoms we have been given, I feel very little respect for their opinion. I know that I have put many hours of thought, research, conversation and prayer into this election year. What I decide to do will be based on me doing the best I can with the information I’ve been given and I will get to do whatever I decide to do because I live in a free country where I get to decide.

I have now spent several hours researching, reading, and writing an 8 page essay and have still come to an undecided conclusion, or lack there of. I have never cared so much about an election as I do this one. I have never been as informed about an election as I am this one. And I have never been at a loss like I am in this one.

Ultimately, I have been reminded in all of this, that God is still in control. God will not be surprised or taken aback by the outcome. I need to continually look to my Savior for my hope and my guidance. Feeling out of control is frightening. We don’t like it so we do everything in our power to believe that we actually do have control. The mess of this election is an amazing reminder that we truly do not have control from one minute to the next. Nor are we supposed to. When we recognize that we are not in charge, we turn to the One who is. When life is rolling along smoothly it is easy to believe the illusion that we are making that happen. It is in the hard and messy days that we are reminded that God has been carrying us all along and will continue to do so. My hope is in the one who loves me and who has never let me go.