In Spite of My Arrogance

After several tries with different counselors, I was referred to one early this year that I've been seeing, with Jason, a couple of times a month.  When I tell you about our first experience with him, you'll wonder why I ever went back.

During our first appointment, within the first 20 minutes, as I was trying to explain all the things in our lives that weren't working- and all the things I had tried in desperation to fix those things- and all the ways none of those efforts were helping in any way- he looked at me and said, 'Laura, I'm going to say something to you that is not going to be easy to hear, but you need to hear it... you are an incredibly arrogant woman."

What?  Who says that to another human being?  Well, I guess he does.

My core immediately resonated with what he said.  I didn't know, in that moment, exactly what he was referring too- I just knew he was right.

He went on to explain that I had been talking and talking about all the things I was doing to fix our problems.  I believed that it was in me to change it all.  I just knew that if I found the right book, the right formula, the right counselor- I could fix all of it.  I could even make the other broken people in my life better.

I'm a fixer.  It's what I do.  It's my first desire when I hear a problem.  I want to right it.  It sounds good in theory.  It sounds charitable and generous and wonderful.  Except that most problems aren't any of my business.  And the problems that are my business, well, I haven't actually been able to fix most of them.  And truly, if God is God, than most things should be handed over to him, right?  If He is God and I am His dependent, than shouldn't I be looking to Him for all the answers rather than myself?  my power?  my ability and knowledge?

Several months down the road, at another appointment, I was expressing my continued frustration with one relationship in particular.  I have been so angry with this person.  I have regularly wished that I could walk away from the relationship- but I've known that that wasn't right.  It wasn't an appropriate response.    In fact, I knew that if that was the choice I made, I would live in guilt and regret and shame- not in the relief or freedom I was wishing for.

Our counselor asked me to take some time to really examine what my expectations were in the relationship.  As I started to list what first came to mind, he shook his head- no.  I was talking about how if this person was honest, if she was pleasant to be around, if she wasn't manipulative or selfish or ...  if she was just better- than I could like her and the relationship would be great.  No, he said, those things were not at the core of my expectations.  They were not what was actually making me so angry.

As I thought about it more I realized that it was still my arrogance.  I was mad at myself for not fixing our relationship.  I was furious that I wasn't being the right person, loving the right way, modeling the right things.  Instead of recognizing the grief and pain that are so much a reality in this relationship- I have just wanted to fix it, and when I couldn't, I didn't have it in me to admit defeat- I simply placed the blame on her.  Surely, if it was in 'my' power, all would be right with the world.

I'm slowly letting go of the anger and trying to be real with the grief and pain.  Its hard work, but right now, in this place, she and I are in a better place then we've ever been.  None of the circumstances have changed.  She's not doing anything different.  I haven't fixed anything.  I'm just recognizing truth and letting go of the lies.  I believe that it is God who has allowed me to see into the depths of this.  I'm so thankful that, in spite of my arrogance, He's gently, and humbly, still drawing me into Him.  I won't change her.  I won't even change myself.  But I think He might- and that is a far more hopeful place to be then I've been in for many years.

In Spite of What I Don't Know

If you allow yourself to question one or two verses in the Bible that don't seem to be 'true' in light of your circumstances, odds are that you might start to question some more verses too.  And, in spite of yourself, you may eventually find yourself asking the really big question, 'Is the Bible really the Word of God?'  Yikes.

It just feels safer to never go there.  The world is a lot prettier if it either makes sense or you just don't question it.  A lot of Christians prefer to say 'we don't understand it all, but that's just how God designed it.' Well, what if you do start to question?  What if, in spite of what you've been taught, you start to wonder?  Does that make God mad?  Is He offended by that?

I've done more questioning and doubting in the past couple of years than in all the rest of my life combined.  And I feel more at ease with God than ever before as well.  I haven't been struck by lightening.  I haven't been cursed with the plague.  I think God might just really love me.  I think He likes it when I think and wrestle with hard questions.  I think He has encouraged me to use a big shovel to dig down past all the stuff I've been told to believe- to find a treasure chest filled with what He really is.  What is most true about Him has been buried in my heart underneath a whole lot of legalism and 'good ideas' and half-truths.  And I'm finding that what's most tangible to me is His love.  And what He most wants me to be about is His love.  And that what I most desire from Him is His love.

I haven't made peace with the Bible yet.  I'm not convinced that the earth is new.  I think it might be older.  I think that God may have created evolution as part of the cycles of this planet- but I don't know for sure.  I'm not sure that we've interpreted a good deal of the Bible correctly.  And if we haven't, then it's possible a whole heck of a lot of our doctrine is WRONG.  I don't know, but maybe we've judged people for their lifestyle choices based on wrong interpretations.  It's all a bit of a mess in my head right now.  I still read the Bible.  I still ask God about it.  I still want to know.  I'm just not sure I will.

Here's what I feel sure of- I don't have to know.  I probably won't know this side of heaven.  And if I can't be certain, than I surely shouldn't judge.  I am only convinced of God's love for me.  For you.  That's it. That's all I feel like I know.  And so, in light of that, I desperately want you to learn to love me as He does- without judgement.  And I desperately want to learn to love you as He does- without judgement.

What if, in spite of what we don't know, we let God show us what He wants us to hold to?  For me, right now, all I feel like I have to hold on to is His love and so- that is all I have to give.  I still have to shove the debris out of the way a lot.  I still get caught up in my old patterns of judging and thinking in black and white.  But I feel most at peace when I'm abiding in His love and giving it away.