Ironically, even after our children did finally come home from Haiti- even after I got what I'd been begging God for- my faith did not 'go back to the way it was.' I continued to struggle. I continued to feel disillusioned and hurt.
We were blessed with a honeymoon period with our new children. Adopting older children means bringing home kids whose hearts have been shattered by the losses in their lives. They don't have the emotional maturity or the language to talk about their massive grief, nor do they trust that anyone in their lives is safe to share with, so their pain comes out in their behavior. We didn't start to see how broken their hearts were until about 4 or 5 months in. And then- as they say- all hell broke loose.
Because things had gone so well at first, I had decided to believe that our kids had withstood the trauma in their lives with more strength and maybe even more of God's protection than many other kids. I thought that maybe, since the waiting had been so hard on me, God was giving me a pass on parenting kids with difficult behavior. So when their behavior took a nose dive I was thrown off guard and once again surprised that God would allow so much pain and difficulty along a path He had called us to walk down. And I felt even more disillusioned and wounded by God.
At the 6 month mark we received a phone call letting us know that our Haitian children's biological sister had been relinquished to the orphanage. She was available for adoption. Would we bring her home to her siblings? I was emotionally exhausted. It seemed like too much to ask. And yet, I had held that sweet girl on my trip to Haiti to bring our children home. I had pictures of her with her brother and sister. How could we not say yes? We prayed about it and sought council and wrestled with the decision for days. And then we said yes. Yes, we would allow that sweet baby to grow up with her flesh and blood. And in spite of my weary heart and massive fears, I immediately loved that girl with everything in me.
We are a helplessly hopeless people, aren't we? And so I hoped. I hoped that this adoption would go more quickly. And that this girl, since she was coming to us so much younger, would have fewer hurts. I hoped that God would use this process so show me how He was redeeming all of my pain. I just knew that He had led us to our first 2 children because ultimately He wanted to use our family to bring these 3 siblings together and that we were going to see the miracle of that take place.
I was completely leveled then, less than 2 months later, when we received a phone call letting us know that our baby girl had died very suddenly in a hospital in Haiti. I could not have possibly known that I would feel so much grief. I desperately wanted her. But on top of that, I grieved the hopes and the dreams I had. I grieved the unmet expectations that I had for all I believed she promised for me and for our family. I grieved the added wound that her brother and sister had piled onto their already shattered hearts.
Ulitmately, as so often happens, my grief rolled into anger. I was furious with God. Isn't He all knowing? Isn't He over all? Doesn't He ultimately control all things? He knew this was coming, right? He knew. And yet He still asked me to say yes to her. He still allowed her to die. He didn't intervene. He didn't save her. He didn't save me- from the pain, the disillusionment, the gut-wrenching grief.
Before deep pain happened to me- when I was ignorant and had fashioned a safe God for myself to believe in- I would have had trite answers for others whose lives were falling apart. I would have been confident in explaining it all to them- how God had a plan and that He works all things together for good and all that stuff. I wish I could remember and apologize to each and every one of those people. I have no doubt that, in spite of my well-intentioned ideas, my words were completely shallow and inexperienced and they poured salt into already festering wounds.
The kids' behavior continued to deteriorate. And my behavior, fueled by hurt and anger, created an incredibly unhealthy mix. In fact, at some times, it might have been a miracle that I didn't physically hurt them.
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