That's been one of my titles for the past 7+ years. A title I never expected to have. A title I'm still not quite sure what to do with. A title I have, honestly, been embarrassed and maybe even ashamed of, at times. I don't want to be defined by that title. When people hear that I'm a pastor's wife- I don't want them to suddenly have different expectations of me. I don't want them to assume things about me based on that description.
Before I go any further- let me say very clearly that I could not be more proud of my husband. His role as a minister suits him so well. He is excellent at what he does and incredibly gifted in what he has been called to. I am indescribably proud of him and never for one minute embarrassed or ashamed to be his wife. That is not what I'm talking about here.
I regularly feel the need to clarify to new acquaintances that I haven't always been a pastor's wife, nor did I 'sign up to be one.' In fact, I let them know that I actually pointed out to my husband that this role was not outlined in our marriage vows- it wasn't part of the deal. I joke that I'm not well enough behaved to fit into this role. I go overboard with this- most likely making them feel uncomfortable- in an effort to somehow try to not be perceived as I have always perceived women who hold this title.
I grew up in the church and have known many pastor's wives throughout my life. As a child, adolscent, and even young adult, I perceived these ladies to be 'ultra-spiritual,' submissive, demure, gentle women who played the piano at church and hosted dainty tea parties for expectant mothers and brides-to-be. They were definitely well-behaved. They wore dresses and pantyhose. They were strict but calm mothers. They were quietly present at all church gatherings. They knew what they believed and led women's Bible studies on topics like 'how to be a good wife,' and 'how to have a gentle and quiet spirit.' These women never drink anything stronger than black coffee and certainly never use strong language.
Hmmm... Me? Not so much.
I have definitely tried to be ultra-spiritual- and have even been dogmatic about my beliefs in the past. I've never been what I used to think submissive was. I'm not demure or necessarily gentle. I do know how to play the piano but never have in church. I don't own a tea set. I'm not well-behaved. I don't own a dress and have sworn to never wear pantyhose again in my life. I am a strict mother- but not calm. I don't go to very many church gatherings. I haven't led a Bible study in years. I like Rum and Cokes, Mojitos and often feel like only words that are considered 'foul' can possibly do justice to what I'm trying to say.
So how does the title look on me? Well, I'm passionate and bold- but not about things you might expect. I long to work alongside my husband but only if I am free to bring all of myself to the task. I have a LOT of questions about who God is and what the Bible really means. I wonder how He meant for us to understand it and if we're even close. I have had days where I wonder if God exists. I have had days where I've thought that if He does- He can't be a good God. I have serious questions about who, in the end, will get into Heaven and wonder if maybe He might find a way to get a whole lot more people there than most Christians believe. I don't understand completely, but think that maybe most people don't choose their sexuality and, regardless, I think that if I'm going to be like Jesus I should just love everyone well. I think that when our bodies became the temple for the Holy Spirit we should have stopped pouring money into buildings and sanctuaries and started caring much much more for those whose temples have been abused, neglected, famished, dehydrated, unsheltered, forgotten and unloved.
Going to church doesn't feel like worship for me- it feels like a place where I am expected to come and represent what the leadership believes but a place where I should not bring the questions I have or talk about the ways my beliefs differ. I'm wondering if those are limitations and expectations I've assumed on myself or if they really exist.
Inspite of all of this, I love being married to my pastor. I love the journey we've been on together. I love that God is ok with my questions and doubts. And I believe that He loves me and has me here to teach me more of Him and His truth. I want to be faithful to keep seeking Him and spend less time worrying about how I'm percieved and much more time finding out how I can honor Him as a pastor's wife.
